Do I look plain and blue to you? I feel that way today. I find consolation in changing the colors on my blog to fit my moods. If only I could change the color of the walls in my house so easily...
Why the long face?
*Charlie Brown music fades in*
I've been playing "single parent" this week and its just bringin' me down. How do you stand it, Emily? Afton? Catherine? Cindy? Every woman out there who has to go-it alone day after day with a house and kids to care for... I take my hat off to you. And I'm not even trying to hold down a job like so many woman do. It isn't that it is so hard all of the time - though there are moments that are so hard. It is the constant, relentless pressure of being the only one. The only one who can make the meals. The only one who can drive the kids to school. The only one who can help the kids with their homework... do the dishes... clean up a spill... change the baby... take a phone call... make the dish for the potluck... During the busy hours of the day I wish I could put myself in time out... Send myself to my room... Insist that I take a nap. Compared to so many others, I know I have no reason to complain. But I am plain worn out and tired.
I look forward to the kids' bedtime very eagerly. 8:00 just can't come soon enough. Here it is almost 10:00 and 2 of the kids just barely laid down for what I hope will be the last time tonight. I need to get in bed - and fast - if I want to be able to keep up with them tomorrow. But my brain feels just as fried as my body. I need to dump everything in my mind so I can rest. Where better to do that than here? Ah, I love my blog.
My daughter lies to me. She is sneaky. She takes my things without asking. She tells half-truths. She doesn't do her homework, but tells me it is all done. The next day at school she tells her teacher she forgot her homework at home, when in reality she has it with her, but it isn't completed. We have some serious trust issues.
My sister just wrote an entire blog post about being honest. I'm not sure exactly what spurred her, but she made me think about trust with my own family. Trust is huge. Trust is everything. Trust between spouses is paramount. But what about between parent and child? She lies to me so often that even when she is telling the truth I think she is lying. When do I cut her slack? She will stand by her lie come hell or high water. She cannot be broken when caught in the middle. Should I push? Should I get angry? Especially when I don't really know what the truth may be... what is the right course of action?
My instinct is to call her on it every time so she knows she won't get away with it. But if I were to do that we would live in a constant mire of bad feelings: icky, sticky, dark vibes. Much of her lying swirls about her school work. When she gets a little behind she starts trying to cover her tracks instead of buckling down and getting it done. It is a constant cycle. Just when I think she is doing so much better - Maybe she's grown out of this phase?... I catch her in a web of lies. It happens over and over again. I am so tired of it. But mostly I am so heartsick over the barrier her lies create between her and I.
Her teacher gives me the feeling she thinks I am too hard on her. The school counselor tells me the lying is symptomatic of the ADHD she was diagnosed with two years ago. She doesn't seem nearly as hyper anymore, though she can talk you ear off, and jump from one topic to the next faster than you can keep up. I know she struggles to keep her attention focused on tasks that bore her. That's why she gets behind in the school work. But can we (or should we?) be able to attribute lying to this condition? Does it make it ok? I don't think so. But I don't know if it changes the rules about dealing with it either. I should mention she is not (nor ever has been) on medication for this. It is hard to believe there is a medication that would curb the instinct to lie. Is there?
She is such an amazing child. She always has been - so bright, with an incredible memory, a real flare for writing, a funny sense of humor, loving to laugh and make others laugh, a gift and love for music and art. She has so much going for her. It makes it that much more frustrating that she can't just own up to the areas where she struggles and face them head-on instead of constantly lying and trying to cover her tracks.
I am so sad that trust is already an issue with my daughter. Will this only get worse as she nears junior high? High school? How can I stop it now? How can I help her?
7 comments:
Oh boy Charlie Brown that is not an easy situation. I only have one child and when my hubby is away I sit in awe of women who do it every day.
I wish I had a good answer about the lying. I think I would call her on it every time. Even if it made things uncomfortable, maybe if she knows that you aren't buying it ever..she'll get the hint. I sure hope you get some great insight and things get better soon.
i have the same issue with my middle child and aggression. it's tough to manage things that you don't quite understand, especially when you're afraid of totally screwing up your child in the process. i will say, as you obviously are learning, single parenting makes it so much harder. the difference in my son's behavior since i remarried is night and day... for the better.
hang in there chica. rack your brain with your husband, talk to people who have understanding of these things, and pray a lot. those are things that work for me. if all else fails, sell her to the gypsies.
are there really gypsies out there?
Hey,
You will be okay.I've been single parent since Haileybug was 2. And its still tough even though I'm not doing the baby thing anymore.
Its always been Hailey and I. I have no close family around to help me out.
If you ever need a little break, I'll take them to the park or something. I'm not sure about the oldest one though :) I wish could be more help for ya.
Just remember your a very blessed lady. These little boogers will be all grown up soon. It will go by fast. Thats what I tell my self sometimes.
Hope your day or the rest of the week gets better. Do you want a free dinner?
I have very similar issues with my middle kid. He's got adhd too. We've opted for no meds also. Though there are days I wish a pill could just take it all away. It can be so hard. He is wildly active (physically) and so sports have helped with that some. But there are so many other issues that come with this. He's smart with reasoning beyond his years, but his teachers never think he is extraordinarily smart because he cannot sit still long enough for them to notice. Extreme sensitivity, explosive emotions, lack of impulse control, tantrums and just this week we've had our first issue with him telling me he forgot his homework at school, but then I found it undone in his backpack later. On good days, he's just active like a really really smart energizer bunny, on bad days....well I'm sure you know all about that.
Sorry about the whole single parenting week. I salute YOU! I was on my own for yesterday until kids were in bed. That was tough for me. I forget how much I rely on my husband until he's not around.
I just feel for you. I remember recently looking up "lying" in one of my child development books to see what causes it and how to combat it. I just don't know. I like to leave things like this to the professionals, though sometimes I find that those professionals are just people I know with lots of experience. You are a good Mom because you love your children and feel anguish over your relationships with them. Keep doing what you do and it will come to you.
I wanted to share a personal thought....
I have a sister who is a chronic liar. She lied when we were young ... my parents just threw up their hands in frustration, and it progressively got worse until now as a grown woman, she cannot tell the truth consistantly AT ALL to save her life. She even lied about her daughter's birthweight because she wanted to have the biggest baby in a room full of gals that were talking about their kids birthweight! WHO DOES THAT!? I never know when she is being honest, so I mostly doubt her word. It is a serious breech of trust and a relationship.
I have 5 kids, and none other than my middle daughter has these exact same tendencies. She lied at the blink of an eye, mostly over stupid trivial crap. She lied about her school work, she lied about who did what... and she didn't even skip a beat for the lie. It's been hell trying to understand what drives her to be this way. I always disbelieved her, and called her on it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I do NOT want her to turn out like my sister.
Just FYI she is not ADHD, nor has she any aggression at all. In fact, she is the child of mine that has always been the most content, sweet, quietly confident child.
She is getting better, and our relationship is beginning to flourish. There are occasional slip-ups, but then she backs down and fixes it...apology, repair, or whatever needs to be done. I think she may struggle with this her entire life.
I guess my point is... I think some kids are just prone to it. I think there is just something in their package that they come with.
My advice? Stick to the 'calling on it' Don't give into guilt. And always always talk to her about it, and the consequenses she brings with this.
I feel your pain. When I was little my dad gave me Tabasco sauce on my tongue whenever I lied. I'm a horrible liar to begin with but it didn't take long to quit. I know that that may sound harsh or abusive but it worked for me. I don't feel any less of a person because of it.
My Jack absolutely hates school. I keep thinking how can you hate first grade but he does. He has started some of these behaviors of dishonesty. Part of me thinks he's just testing the waters but I too would like to know what lies beneath it all. How do I help and understand my child better.
I'm glad you've done well without medications for Wavy Gravy. You know my past experience in mental health and I really feel like there are so many with this diagnosis but it doesn't always mean medication, that said there are times when it is helpful. I just hate seeing kids unnecessarily medicated though.
Does your area have LDS Social services? We just had a little speal about them here even though there isn't an office. The closest one is in Seattle but anyways there are a lot of services that I think they have changed and perhaps it'd be something worth looking into. I always say therapy can help anyone whether you think you need it or not. We all have issues.
I love and hope tomorrow is a better day.
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