BitterSweet

Amy had it spot-on. I just had "Stay-at-home"syndrome the other day. It really is exhausting how many ups and downs and emotions rear their head on any given day when you're caring for so many people and their emotions. And besides that, I was feeling really homesick for my family. So much has been going on, and I feel so far away.

So first, about the homefront:

My tweener is supposedly entering puberty, so I expect this kind of moodiness from her. And I'm used to it from her... she's been moody since she was 18 months old.

Henry is almost 8 and starting to act a lot like Waverly did at that age. He's just moody and needs lots of love and attention to get him out of his funk.

Oscar is 5 and just wants to disagree with everything. He's exploring his boundaries and mine. Getting him to do something as simple as put on a pair of pants so he won't be late for preschool usually takes nogotiations I imagine are something akin to working out international peace treaties.

At least Alice is easy to read. When she's difficult it meanss she is tired. Insert binki, bottle and blankie. A nap solves every problem. The End.

Thank heavens I have the most even-keeled husband on the planet. He is able to ride the waves and calm a lot of storms that brew in the home. He would do anything to help me get through. And he does. There are many days when he walks in the door and immediately recognizes that the household (me) is about to reach a breaking point. Kids need things. Dinner needs to be made. Messes need immediate attention. And this is what he always says,

"What can I do to help you?"

How simple, and yet utterly perfect his reaction to the chaos can be. What he is asking is "What could I do for you this very minute that would make your life easier?" In fact, sometimes he does word it in exactly that way. Sometimes he takes over making dinner. Sometimes he takes the child needing attention aside to fulfill that need. Sometimes he tells me to take a "mom time out" and lay down for a few minutes. Sometimes he goes and buys me Ben & Jerry's Phish Phood. He is able to make everything all better. Or at least a whole lot easiery. Do-able. Enjoyable.

My man gave himself a birthday gift on March 5. He started an exercise program and has really stuck to it. I can already see and feel (rrrrraaarrrr) a difference. I am so proud of him. He can do anything he puts his mind to. And if he doesn't know how to do it, he researches how to do it and gives it a shot. I am very attracted to this kind of confidence. He has learned how to not let this trait get him into trouble, and it is becoming more and more of a tremendous strength and blessing in our marriage.

Yesterday we had a meeting with all of the men and women during the last hour of church. Guest speakers spoke about serving in the temple, and the blessings that flow from serving there, and from keeping the promises we make there to Heavenly Father. It made me think a lot about what we've started here together. Our own little family is going to turn into something larger. Something I can't even begin to imagine right now. These four little people who are currently moody and need a lot of guidance are going to grow up. (Yes! They really will!) They will go many places, do many things, and influence the lives of others in ways I can't fathom. And their children will do the same. And their's... and their's... For a small, blessed moment I saw the beauty and the complexity the future would bring and I knew that there was nothing greater I could do than to be at home with them every day... weathering their mini-storms and helping them navigate the waters that are brand new to them. There are times when I cannot see the good I am doing by being their mother. I am so grateful for the rare and small moments I am given - a gift - of rememberance. Remembering what I know is at the truth at the very center of what I am trying to do with my life.

And all of these thoughts swirl in my head as I am continually praying for my sister. All of the realizations I felt because of the Spirit that touched me during that meeting also reminded me of why my wonderful, patient sister is going through all that she is as she is trying to bring children to their family. I remembered why the struggle will be worth it. I wish so much that she and her husband alone didn't have to bear the weight of this burden. There is a lot of physical pain that is accompanying the emotional. And the pain of patience - of grasping for it and hanging on - is only one of the many layers they must wade through. Life is so unfair... I have to not only remind my children on a daily basis... I remind myself, too. But I truly believe that the more bitter our pain may be now, the sweeter our joy will be someday. I hope her joy is found sooner rather than later. I really do. Hang on, my sweet sister. You are the most selfless, strong person I know. Only good, sweet things can possibly be your permanent reward. I know you would give anything in your power to help someone else in your situation. And I hope you know there are countless friends and family who would do the same for you. For now, we will continue to give all we can: our faith, our prayers and our hope. And if there is ever anything more I can give, it is yours.