November 4, 2022

 Friday, November 4, 2022

A blustery downpour carried Alice and myself to school today. She is 15 now and a sophomore. I am the secretary in the counseling center at her high school. I see a lot of things, and then some days, not many things. Life and work in a counseling center is just as Forrest Gump said: You really don't ever know what you're going to get. 

The weather turned pretty suddenly from summer to fall in a matter of days, and with it there was a noticeable change in the number of students asking to speak to a counselor. Not everyone who comes in is in a mental health crisis. Sometimes they need to talk to their counselor about academic and college planning. But there was a sharp upturn in the number who needed to see a mental health specialist. Some approach my desk holding back tears. Others are more direct: "I need to talk to someone NOW." 

"I just need to sign up for an appointment with my counselor."

"I'm here to take a test." (I also monitor the testing room.)

"Oh, my counselor isn't here. I'll just grab a granola bar." (I keep a drawer filled with various granola bars for kids who need something to eat.)

"I'm just looking to talk to my counselor about my schedule for next tri." 

A teacher walks through the office and stops to share that there were 9 of his students absent from his first period class. "There's a lot of bugs going around," I said. "Nah, it's just rainy and everyone would rather stay home." We're both right.

"Can I use an empty room to eat lunch?" This girl always wants to eat lunch by herself. It makes me sad.

"I'm here to work on a chemistry packet."

"Can I get a room to take a break?" 

Another student needs a break.

We all need breaks. 

These kids are just here for the candy dish. Me too, kid. Me, too.

"I need to talk to Eddie." (Mental health specialist)

10 minutes later: "Eddie is still busy?? What's taking so long?" (I gently reminded this student that there are other students with needs, too.)

"I need to take a break."

"I need to set up an appointment with my counselor."

Phone call: "My student is having a panic attack. Can you go get her from class and bring her to your office until I can get there?"

Phone call: "My son's woodshop teacher won't return my email. Would you tell him I'm trying to get in touch?"

"I need to set up an appointment with my counselor."

There is a student - let's call her "Chloe". When I was a substitute teacher for her classes in middle school, she was a real handful. She was sassy and defiant and one day when she could tell I was getting frustrated she whined, "Why don't you like me??" as if it were a character flaw I needed to work on.  Well, she is now a junior in high school, and she's been around my office quite a bit. At first it was because she was friends with someone who brought out the very worst in her - all of the entitled, defiance tumbled out regularly.  She was often here because she was in trouble. I think Chloe broke ties with that friend sometime last year, and she has turned into a delightful person to be around. She has ADHD and struggles with tests, so she comes to the counseling center to take her tests in a quiet place. I see her a lot. 

"Is Mrs. A available?" Holding back tears.

I realize that one of the kids taking a break has been in that quiet room for a long time, so I check on him. He asks for 20 more minutes, so I set a timer on my Alexa to remind me. 

"I have a note from my teacher that says I can work down here in a quiet room." 

"I have a note to see Eddie."

It was especially slow today because 5 of the counselors were away at a conference. So I watched 2 episodes of a YouTube series about near death experiences. The take-away from both? It's all about love, empathy and gratitude, man. The little things we do matter. 

Peace out.

Home MTC for Henry

 



Henry leaves for the Charleston West Virginia Mission in 2 weeks. He was called to serve in the San Pablo Philippines Mission, but with the Covid-19 pandemic, was has been temporarily reassigned until a vaccine is widespread. He has been studying Tagalog in the home MTC program for over a month. He attends live classes online for 6 - 8 hours a day, in addition to workshops, companionship and individual study time. He has a companion who lives in AZ, and a sister companion (!) in VA. (She is the only sister studying Tagalog in the MTC.) They have regular language and teaching classes via Zoom. I have been so impressed with his commitment to being obedient, following mission rules, and most of all, studying a language that he may not get to speak on his mission for many months.  I feel like I have learned so much more about him and his strengths. His determination to do the work when he has committed to something will serve him well throughout his life. For the first time in his life, he is studying something of personal importance to him and it's a privilege to witness him thrive. I was so worried that he wouldn't have the intense, immersive experience of attending the MTC in Provo. I couldn't have imagined the blessing it would be for him to be a set apart missionary in our home. His demeanor and attitude toward the family is happy and vibrant. He brings such energy and joy to everything we do as a family when he is not studying. There has been a noticeable difference in the level of peace and harmony in our home. We have been more consistent in studying the scriptures and praying daily together as a family than we have in years. Everyone makes an effort to only turn on music or TV that does not detract from the Spirit. We're not perfect, but the difference is noticeable.

Henry has spent his free time in the evenings and weekends serving our family. He has spent many hours working alongside Taylor and I in the yard as we've been completely overhauling the front and side yards. It has been very labor-intensive and exhausting. Henry has also been cooking a lot, and learning to make new things. He and Taylor work together to prepare meals for themselves for the week. Last Sunday I taught him to bake bread. He is learning magic tricks and how to make balloon animals from Taylor. He has been eager to spend a lot of time just being with the family, including trips to Portland to spend time with Waverly. He goes to bed by 10:30 and wakes up at 6:30. He jumps up to be helpful whenever asked.

Being a part of his MTC experience has been more beautiful than I could have imagined. I was worried it wouldn't be the same for him, and it hasn't. Maybe it has been better in some ways? It definitely has been a blessing for our family.

Meaning, Purpose and Direction

I am standing at the brink of a new phase of my life. I am a very different, and I think much more wise and developed person than the one I was when I last wrote here regularly. My purpose for being here is different than it was. That last sentence is not entirely true, now that I think about it. In the past, I wrote as a form of therapy and to find the meaning, purpose and direction in my daily life. I am back to discover my meaning, purpose and direction again, because this new phase of life requires a pivot. My meaning and purpose have not changed, but the direction and path are not totally clear to me yet. 

Meaning and Purpose in Life: I am a daughter of God and my soul is of infinite worth. I have a mission to fulfill in life. The first phase of my mission was to create my family and start to learn about relationships, love and faith. The second phase is beginning because my children are not little and do not require my full time and emotional attention. I have time and room in body and soul to expand, move around, and discover what can come next. But I don't want it to just "happen" to me. I want it to be deliberate. I want it to be of my own creation. 

Direction in Life: What will this next phase look like? It is exciting to begin again. I feel like this new beginning has something to do with my love of life, beauty, nature, relationships and learning. Right now I feel like the "direction" will look like choosing a course of study for a Master's degree.  I have invested a lot of my time in the last 5 years in contemplating moving into education full time. But that route has seem muddied and unclear. I coach cross country and track at the middle school level. I feel like I make the most difference there for the better in others' lives than anywhere else outside my home. Should I study to become a PE teacher? Would I regret the realities of that in time? But as I've observed friends working on their masters degree in education, I have found myself envious of the courses they are taking and the theories they learn in education as it pertains to human and brain development, and how relationships contribute to that development. I want to learn everything they are learning, but I don't know if I want to be a teacher in the end. I have seen job openings for teachers who are endorsed to teach PE, but who would teach classes on mindfulness to middle or high schoolers. This is infinitely more appealing to me. These classes are new and I don't know enough about what the requirements are for the educators, and what the curriculum would look like. I will look into that. I could start by asking the PE teachers I know in Sherwood, and what they know about the classes. 

Another thought: I have also considered studying to be a therapist. I am incredibly interested in learning what therapists know, but I don't know if I am equally interested in actually doing what therapists do. The science behind relationships and personal improvement are an endless source of fascination, but practically speaking, I don't know if I would want to work with other people's most heavy difficulties in those areas. 

Love of learning: The pattern I am noticing about myself is that I am really interested in learning ABOUT many things, but I am not nearly as interested in the occupations that use the information I'm interested in. I have assumed that means I am not actually that interested in that field of study, but maybe it just means I would be happiest being an eternal student! In actuality, I do, in fact want to work and earn money. So where is the intersection of all of these things?

Mindfulness, Meditation, Prayer and Writing: I have been studying, learning, and practicing a lot about mindfulness and meditation in the last few years. It has helped me develop a more meaningful prayer practice where I feel a greater connection to my Heavenly Parents, and my confidence to ask for their help has really grown. As I've contemplated and prayed about everything I just wrote about, the most clear answer They have given me is that I should start writing regularly again. I think it's because writing helps me see patterns, and refine my own thinking. I think this is the method They know will help me find my direction and path. I wouldn't be sad if writing wasn't just a means to that end. I like writing, I like being heard and known. So if I am the only one coming to know and understand myself, that would be worth it in the end. But if others benefited from my writing, and my writing were to even be part of my "meaning, purpose and direction", that would be a very good thing, too. Writing, alone as a profession, seems a little too isolating for me. I enjoy meaningful interactions.

Method for Finding Direction: I have recently read in 2 different places this same idea, and I don't think it is a coincidence. So this is the method I am using for deciding on my direction. The idea is that we can find our "purpose" by examining the intersection of these 3 things:

        1. Our strengths, gifts and talents

        2. Our struggles and challenges

        3. The needs of the world around us

Ultimately, I believe that everyone's "purpose" is to show each other God's love and help each other along our individual paths back to God and become our best selves. But the manner in which everyone fulfills that purpose looks different.  The details vary from person to person based on their strengths and challenges. So I am using my writing to examine my strengths and challenges, and to find that intersection with the needs of the world I am in. My "world" is my family, friends and community. 

Art as Creation, Meditation, Source of Pure Joy: Since the Covid-19 quarantine began in March, I have returned to creating art. I see an intersection of the love I have for meditation, the strength I have in visual arts, and the undeniable connections in many world religions. Color theory and sacred geometry hold a palpable power in my soul. I want to learn more and find ALL of the connections. I cannot discount the role this plays in my life. My bachelor's degree is in Art Education. The logic points to an intersection of all of these things and I return to my original field of teaching art. Something to consider.

A Sabbath Talk for Home Church on April 19, 2020 During the Covid-19 Home Quarantine: You are Loved, How I Pray, Look for "Coincidences" to find God's Hand in Your Life, Serve One Another

As I prayed about what I should give my talk about today, I received 2 distinct impressions. 1) Teach your children THEY ARE LOVED by their Heavenly Parents and by many on earth and in the Spirit world who are rooting for them and trying to help them and support them. And 2) Remind them what we are taught by the new Young Women and Young Men themes:

1.) You are loved. You are so deeply loved by me and Dad. You each came into our lives through miraculous circumstances, and at the exact time you needed to be here to take your place as an essential part of our family. God knew who would be the oldest, and who would follow, and there is meaning and order to it all.  You are exactly where you need to be and WHEN you need to be. You are here to contribute only what YOU are able to contribute to our family and to your friends, classmates, teammates, and everyone you come into contact with. 

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf explained our worth to our Heavenly Father: “God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him.”

President Monson taught that there is no such thing as a coincidence. God is in the details of our lives. He is interested in everything that matters to you. He wants to help you.  He loves you. He gave His life for you. He felt every pain, discomfort, irritation, impatience, guilt, loneliness,and even boredom you feel. He knows what it is like. He wants to sit with you and mourn with you when you mourn.  He wants to help you figure out how to use your time when time feels irrelevant. He wants you to include him in your little daily decisions because He knows what you need. And you will find that when you ask for his help in the little things, he will be there. And you’ll have more confidence to ask for his help with the “bigger” things.  He wants to be with you in the good times, too. My Mom once told me that something she found hard was that her adult children would often call her when things were really hard, even dire, and she would be a listening ear and give advice. But then they would rarely call back when things were better or “normal” to let her share in the happy times, too, and to know things were better. God doesn’t NEED us to report back to him like mortal parents might, but I think you will find that when you do, your relationship with Him will feel stronger. It’s for you, not necessarily for Him. Tell him the good and the bad. Talk to Him like he’s in the room. Before I pray I imagine I am sitting next to Him (and Heavenly Mother) and I try to talk like I would to a person who is present. 

So during this weird time of being at home with so little to do, I have thought a lot about my relationships with each of you and how to make them better. I have also been studying and learning how to pray. Through daily gospel study of the scriptures and other uplifting books, I have learned what prayer can really be. And it is much different than what I have been doing most of my life. Like I said, part of it is envisioning being with my Heavenly Parents and talking like we’re having a conversation. Sometimes there are silences. There is no such thing as an “awkward silence” with them. Sometimes we sit in shared, sacred silence. This is just as important as me talking to them. In a book I read, it said “the heavens are quiet”. I believe in the power of stillness, and that God uses the quiet and my attempts to silence my own chattering mind to plant His word in my mind and in my heart. This requires a quiet, private place. I pray in my closet. I sit on the floor after everyone is asleep and turn off the light so my mind isn’t distracted. I take a few deep breaths to relax my body and center my mind. I feel the ground underneath me. I listen for every noise I can hear: the fan in the bathroom below me, the muffled sounds from the Alexa behind the wall, a car passing by on the road. I take a moment  with my eyes closed to take it all in, and then turn my gaze inside of my body. I scan my body from the top of my head to my feet to acknowledge how it is feeling, to notice where there is tension, to check in with my own mortality. I try not to make judgements about my “good” or “bad”. I just notice that “I am” and I am enough. I am very much just myself in the presence of my Heavenly Parents. I try to see myself in that moment as they see me. They love me. So I love myself. And then I say a few words. “I feel calm right now. OR I was frustrated by this or that today. I am wondering how I can handle this or that differently tomorrow. I feel lonely. Or I am grateful for the fun times and connections I felt with this person today. I am so sorry for how I handled that situation. How can I do better? What would YOU do? Will you forgive me and show me how to do it better? Please change my heart toward this or that person or situation because my mortal body can’t do it on its own.”  I try not to go through a list of things I’m grateful for, like a grocery list. He knows my list. I try to pick out the few things that are weighing on my mind or heart and only talk about those. And to use few words. I ask for help or advice. And then, and this is the most important part, I sit quietly. I try to focus on my breath or my heartbeat to keep my mind from wandering. When it does wander, I acknowledge that without judging myself harshly. I make note of where my mind wandered. Was it a helpful place for what I was talking to Heavenly Father about? Or was it a distraction? If it was a distraction, I bring my attention back to my breath or heartbeat and keep listening for His voice. It is not a sound. It is different for everyone, but for me it feels like a fully formed thought placed in my mind. Like, a complete sentence I didn’t have to construct myself. It was just placed there. Recently He has given me sentences like:

Meet your children where they are.

Ask them what THEY want to do to spend time with you.

Be patient and give them space.

Try to see them as I do.

Say you’re sorry when you need to.

Just keep trying your best.

I usually sit in this quiet, shared sacred space for longer than I was talking. The spirit “descends as the dews of heaven” and that is a slow and quiet process.  Our minds are not used to it in this busy world. It takes a lot of practice, but it is worth it. The confidence I feel in the communication I’ve had through this kind of prayer gives me hope, faith and feelings of true charity for every interaction I have with each of you. I know I am doing my best, and I am giving you each space to do your best and not judge when we each fall a little short in patience. I still make mistakes, but I try to recognize it and say I’m sorry. And I talk to my Heavenly Parents about it and how I can do better next time. I feel their love through this process. I want you each to feel their love and know your worth, so that is why I have shared how I pray and communicate with them. I hope you will each take from this what you think might be helpful to you and try it out. The most important first step is finding a quiet, uninterrupted space. You may need to be creative with this. If you’re not sure what to start talking about, here are some suggestions:

What do you need to learn during this time of isolation at home?

What do we need to learn together as a family during this time?

Where do I need to improve?  How can I start doing that? What can I do today?

So here is the second thing I thought I should share with you today: The YW and YM themes: Alice would you help me?

I am a beloved daughter of heavenly parents, with a divine nature and eternal destiny.

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, I strive to become like Him. I seek and act upon personal revelation and minister to others in His holy name.

I will stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places.

As I strive to qualify for exaltation, I cherish the gift of repentance and seek to improve each day. With faith, I will strengthen my home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, and receive the ordinances and blessings of the holy temple.

Oscar, would you read this?

I am a beloved son of God, and He has a work for me to do.

With all my heart, might, mind, and strength, I will love God, keep my covenants, and use His priesthood to serve others, beginning in my own home.

As I strive to serve, exercise faith, repent, and improve each day, I will qualify to receive temple blessings and the enduring joy of the gospel.

I will prepare to become a diligent missionary, loyal husband, and loving father by being a true disciple of Jesus Christ.

I will help prepare the world for the Savior’s return by inviting all to come unto Christ and receive the blessings of His Atonement.

There is no such thing as a coincidence. When my Dad was a stake president in Houston, he once was in attendance at a meeting with about 12 other stake presidents and President Monson. He said that 3 times during that meeting President Monson used the phrase “I don’t believe in coincidences”. He talked of particular people or situations where he was guided to where he needed to be. Likewise, there are no coincidences in our lives. It is not a coincidence that the church moved to a home-centered and church-supported structure for gospel learning in the last few years. God knew Covid--19 was coming. He prepared a way for us, just like Nephi says in 1 Nephi 3:7. He wants us to learn from each other, and to teach each other during this time. What do you think God would like YOU to learn during this time? I think God has wanted me to learn how to pray and communicate with Him during this time with plenty of “quiet” and “stillness”. And he wants me to see you - really SEE you where you are at, and to meet you where you are. I am still trying to learn what that means. I continue to pray that you will let me see you and know you. That you will let me in. Let me know you. But even more importantly, let your Heavenly Parents know you by talking to them like they’re in the room, and sit with them in silence. They will help you know who you are and what you need, and maybe even how your Mom can help you. 

I love you. 

Week of secret service:

Henry gives to Alice

Oscar gives to Joe

Alice gives to Oscar

Joe gives to Henry

Mom gives to Dad

Dad gives to Mom

Oscarson Family Reunion at Bear Lake 2015

https://www.dropbox.com/sc/a1wrdgtrba8ntlx/AACiDTZWALDSUGTD3h5o1X3Aa

Growing With My Girls

I just told someone that leaving your comfort zone was the only way to learn and grow. Seeing as my comfort zone is my side of the bed, I've been doing a lot of learning and growing as of late. I honestly don't know where I'm going with this. But it just seems like I've had to talk myself into doing things that seem very hard or uncomfortable lately. Growing pains by their very nature are going to hurt. And I've been learning a lot about myself, my strengths and my weakness, in the process.  I am hopeful that all of this means I'm moving in the right direction: closer to God, closer to trusting my Savior, closer to my husband and children, closer to knowing myself and trusting my instincts.

I am incredibly grateful for my precious husband. I am sincerely grateful for his employment and the safety and security it provides our family. Having been unemployed for many months in the last few years, I am thankful every day for the income that provides not only for our needs, but for activities and adventures that bless our lives with variety, opportunities to learn new skills, chances to explore new areas of interest, and simple pleasures.  My life is as busy as it has ever been because of the ages and stages of our kids.  Their range and diversity of age and interests has me running here and there and everywhere. But it is enjoyable and uplifting for them. And their joy is my own. Unfortunately their pain is also mine. There is plenty of both, I suppose.

As a junior in high school, Waverly could very easily spend every waking moment studying for her school classes: Chemistry, Pre-Calculus, AP European History, Advanced English, Engineering... I'm tired just listing her classes.  She is so smart, and more importantly (in my opinion) she is so creative.  She is kind and courteous and helpful. Adults love her. Little kids love her. (Her brothers will learn to love her over time.) She is just a good person, and even a good friend to her mom. I didn't anticipate that I would have such a sweet and important friendship with a teenage daughter. I don't know if it is typical. I would love to know what I did "right", if anything. Maybe she was born that way. (Maybe its Maybelline.)  We share clothes and she tells me when my outfit just isn't working. She compliments me when I look pretty, or when I've done something she appreciates.  She forgives me for being hot tempered, immature and insensitive. She tells me about things that bother her, or that worry her. I'm sure she doesn't tell me everything, but a girl probably needs to have secrets from her mom. But she lets me give her advice. And she is surprisingly good at giving me advice, too. Truly, she is mature and wise beyond her years. She works hard for the things she loves. She is funny and fun. She has the most expressive face when she is singing or performing on stage.  More than one person has told me that their eye is drawn to her in a crowd. She emotes and she glows, and not just because she is a pretty girl. I don't know how I will bear it when it is time for her to test her wings and fly far from my nest.

This fall Waverly played the role of a very sassy and sweet Jasmine in Aladdin.

A stage kiss was in order for the final performance of Aladdin. She's got guts!

Recent hair cut!

We recently had an amazing tour of the behind the scenes magic of the Tabernacle organ.

With Mo on Temple Square

 

Waverly loves social media. Like, a lot.

And now I have suddenly decided that this post will be all about my girls. I have two of them, you know.  Just right for me.  I am so glad they both have a sister. But I am also glad the hormones of the female variety do not run too rampant in our house. Waverly and Alice are over 8 years apart in age.  That is a significant difference at this point in their lives, but I am sure time and age will only bring them closer in heart, understanding, perspective and friendship.  They are very much alike in that they share eyes, coloring, brains and spunk. But Alice is very much her very own spunky self. Alice dances to the beat of her own drum...and loudly at that.  Being just seven years old, she is at a physically lanky and awkward stage. Her brain seldom knows where her arms and legs are headed.  She started dance and piano lessons this fall, and it is with small and cautious steps that she has ventured out of her comfort zone - trying new things that she has not been automatically 100% successful at on her first try. It has been frustrating beyond words for her. But she has also learned a new word in school this year from her amazing 2nd grade teacher: persevere.  Alice is determined to persevere even if it kills her.  I love her so hard for that. She gets angry and impatient with herself (and everyone around her) at times. But you can count on Alice to do anything she does with courage and great enthusiasm. And spunk. This girl has got spunk! Several people have told me that Alice reminds them of Ramona Quimby. Her brain goes at a million miles a minute, and her body tries desperately to stay caught up. Unlike Waverly, Alice has ringlets in her hair. She hates having her hair brushed just about more than anything. (She always has!) But lately she has discovered the girlish pleasure of feeling pretty, and trying new hair styles. She is exploring her world with bright, curious eyes. And she is stubborn as can be.  She is clever, verbose, funny and exhausting. She sleeps well at night. And so do I.

Alice is the easiest person in the world to buy a gift for because she LOVES EVERYTHING (except socks. She has a very serious aversion to socks). Here she is trying to convince Santa she has been more nice than naughty all year.

First piano recital

First dance recital

The dance teacher asked the girls to move across the floor in their favorite way

She recently met astronaut Chris Hadfield. Alice wants to be the first person to go to Mars. She also wants to be a gardener, a teacher and an artist. 

Alice loves the whole wide world. Nature is her favorite.

Waverly is Sweet Sixteen!