Passion. That limp little "period" after the word "passion" speaks volumes. I've sadly realized all of my passion has been wrapped up in being selfish lately. Though I do have a passion for chocolate ... hot cocoa, candy bars, fudge, those Dove hearts around Valentines Day...mmmm... again, definitely a selfish pursuit.
I am an LDS stay-at-home mom with 3 small children, and I'm feeling lonely and worn out. I've always felt I had a strong testimony, and was on the right path in life. I married young (20) and had my first child at 22. I earned my bachelor's degree, never really intending (and sadly never really wanting) to use it to gain full time employment. Lately I've felt a gradual awakening to a feeling of "How did I get here?" Did I really know what being at this stage in life would be like? No. Did I assume it would be difficult? Yes, but somehow I thought I was ready to handle it. This has made me question whether or not I should have jumped into marriage and family life so quickly. Would being "on my own" as a real adult for a few years helped me mature and grow into a potentially more capable wife and mother? It's a little too late, now, to be considering such things. Is there a crash course in maturity, selflessness and humility that I can sign up for somewhere? 'Cause I need it.
I feel like my job as a mom brings out the worst in me: impatience, anger, frustration, and ultimately a subtle resentment toward my kids for making me feel these things. A new blog I stumbled upon is what pushed me to write about these things. I've only just started reading this new blog, but I sense she carries a much more broad, eternal, and positive perspective of life. And she is passionate and grateful. I thank her for that. I will work on trying to find positive things I feel passionate about. It will be a good exercise to help me climb out of this deep rut I've worn into my life.
6 comments:
It is so reassuring to hear someone else has these same concerns/fears! I feel similar. I married at 21, had my first at 23.
It's not that I doubt my decision at all. I believe it was right for me, I love my family. If I was faced with the same decisions, I would do it all again! But at the same time I feel like this is the biggest trial of my life!
I do not feel like a good mother. I love and provide for my daughter, but I do not get the joy other mothers say they get from it. It is HARD WORK! And I too feel that my "job" brings out these horrible emotions and feelings - all the same ones you have mentioned.
Using tools the Gospel provides (reading the scriptures daily is a HUGE tool) helps, but it doesn't fully take away the fear that I am not "mother material".
I feel so guilty sometimes - my daughter is having to pay for my problem. She deserves the best mom ever and instead she is stuck with me. I expect too much from her and give her far too little of my personal time.
I feel selfish. Selfish because I can't get down on her level and instead I wish she could get up to mine. Selfish because when I am being unreasonable I treat her as though she is the one misbehaving. Selfish because I get so much unconditional love from her and I worry that though I love her, it is not being expressed appropriately and she is not feeling that unconditional love back.
I think I am improving (slowly) as I am striving to spend more time with her doing things she wants - even just a little each day. I am trying to be more patient. I am trying to apologize more so that she learns that when I am being unfair, it truly is my problem and I am trying to get better. I am trying to show her I love her, not just tell her.
Thank you for posting about this. Thank you for sharing the blog that is helping you, I will check it out, maybe she can help me too.
I think you are WAY too hard on yourself. I've known you for YEARS and I know that you are ALWAYS striving to do what's right, and your desire for perfection sometimes blinds your present successes a little bit. You are a wonderful mom. Your kids are bright, and imaginative, and FUN, and forgive my impudence, but that is YOUR "fault", too. Keep up the good work.
Dear Suzie!
Thank you for your warm comments about my blog! I just type away and never think anyone will read them. :)
I have struggled so intently with the same issues. Especially when my now teens were young.
I was pregant with my first (at 21) when we got news that my older sister couldn't care for her boys any longer. Jay and Hans came to live with us, Feb 23, 1991 and my daughter was born in May. (10 months after we were married) We had three children. I commonly call them Chili's. Jay was almost 4, Hans 18 months and then Victoria was just new.
Those days are dark ones in my memory. Nights with out sleep, days with constant noise and confusion. I was a deplorable mom, somedays. I remember calling my own Mom, one night in the middle of the night. I said "Victoria has been screaming for hours, and if you don't come get her, I am going to throw her out the window" and there is a part of me that seriously thinks I was capable of it.
I was lost, there for awhile. Who was I? And how in the world did I get here? Surly my life can consist of more than formula, preschool and diapers. I remember introducing myself...as Han's Mom, or Paul's wife. I wasn't sure who I was.
I felt enormous amounts of resentment, which started slowly at first... a little thought here, and there... that gradually built up to where I didn't have a lot of good thoughts about my existance. It felt like constant work, with little reward. Oh I know my children loved me, and lego houses, and block structers along with huge smiles, were somewhat of a reward, but I just felt...that myself was sacrificed.
I too went to school, earned my degree and never ever have I used it. There are still days, when I am convinced someday..."I will.. I will.. I will..." *chuckle*
As my children grew and got older, life for me took a better focus. They started to really be "little people" their conversations and thoughts, and the way they viewed the world around them, was better articulated, and for me, it was like coming out of a fog.
It still is a struggle for me, at times. I try so hard to focus on the good things. As the kids are starting to be MUCH older, now I am terrified for them. Leaving the nest and stricking out on their own. Wondering if I am going to have to pay huge therapy bills for them...having to endure, my personal evolution. *chuckle*
Prayer is a huge part of my days now. I have really learned the power of prayer. It brings me peace, and patience (and can I please have it NOW) *grin* It helps me maintain my sanity and focus.
My youngest child Victoria had just had her twelveth birthday. She had just gone to girls camp for the first time. My husband and I were laying in bed one morning, discussing our future. He said, you know.. it won't be too long until the children are gone. We will still be so young! What can we do with our lives? We can travel? You can work part time if you want. Maybe go back to school (knowing of course my past frustrations) what ever we want. We could sell the house and live in an apartment in Manhattan for awhile? Try Aspen, Colorado out.. and I remember smiling and being very content about our lives...
It wasn't a week later, when I went to the Doc to see why I was not feeling well, when he told me the most shocking thing in the world...
That I was expecting a baby. (I was four months along already!)
YIPES.... I spent the next four months in denile.. and then low and behold, my baby was born early. Ethan came on Dec 26, 2003. and from then on, my life hasn't been the same. He had a LOT of issues, when he was born. We spent almost three months in the NICU (New Born Intensive Care Unit) at Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City. I will never be the same after this experience. We didn't think he was going to live, for the longest time. He has a lot of issues, and probably always will. He is blind, he has Cerebal Palsey and will more than likely never walk. (at least with out assistance)
I have had so many angry conversations with Heavenly Father. I keep wondering "What was he thinking?"
This life is truely not what I had ever anticipated...and now I am walking down a path of another adventure I am not sure I signed up for. But.... at the end of the day, I don't think I would change it for the world.
Sorry for the poor spelling and the length of this LONG comment. I apologize.
I just wanted to say a little about me, and let you know that you are indeed NOT alone in your frustrations. And I am grateful... not to be in the boat alone!
Love! Lisa
I got married at 20 too, and now I'm 21 and sometimes I get extremely sick of doing grad school and working full-time--because, like you, I'm really not planning on "doing" anything with all that, although I guess you never know--but my husband and I have decided we won't start having kids until we're both done with school, and maybe longer after that. Then again, sometimes I get so sick of school/work that I think to myself (secretly, of course)--"Being a mom is probably way better than this." Even more secretly--"It's probably easier too." You moms can all laugh at that, but hey, school and work is hard and sometimes it seems like nothing could be harder! But I'm sure motherhood tops it.
It probably is way better, too, though. I guess I'll find out eventually.
Funny how this all works.
Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful, supportive comments in my time of "emotional need" as a mom! I've been out of town for a few days, and I just have a moment here to say thanks...there is so much more I want to say to each of you. I'll write more tomorrow when I am home and settled back into the usual routine. Thank you so much Heidi, Sariah, Carrie Ann, Lisa and Eliza!
Suzie...YOU'RE NOT ALONE! But I sense that you get that with all these lovely commenters shouting the same.
I've blabbed my story (oh, I should say SHARED.) on my site and VSofM...but your personaly journey truly is all about you. I have struggle with the "what-if's" all the time...they're maddening. But I'm slowly getting to a point where I'm okay with where I'm at in my life. (VERY slowly.)
Find that something that you're passionate about. You can still find it...even with a husband, kids, etc...I know you can.
Heck...we'll do it together! ;)
Post a Comment