It is almost midnight and I am home alone with the kids. I just heard noises like someone is moving around downstairs, but I know Zook isn't home yet. I'm looking at the door instead of my typing to make sure a burglar doesn't creep up on me.
I've begun to get a good feeling for what it must be like to be a single mom lately. Zook has been working most nights until midnight since Christmas. He has this huge trade show coming up - he has been put in charge of his company's booth and everything that entails. Someone in management above him recently gave him a great compliment. He said something about the fact that they've been piling and piling the work on him and they haven't seen his breaking point yet. ...like he's some sort of lab rat in a science experiment gone terribly wrong? Well, maybe they should take a look a their lab rat's wife: Mrs. Rat passed her breaking point a few weeks ago and has been rocking herself back and forth in a corner repeating "When will you start using the potty, Oscar?" over and over and over... and over.
Today as the pharmacist's assistant handed me my monthly dose of anti-depressants she commented on how lucky I was to be able to be a stay-at-home mom. Indeed.
You see, like my hard-working husband, I have some co-workers. No, they are no co-workers. The term "co-worker" would imply they actually played some role in managing the property I take care of. Let's say I have 3 short "office mates" who do nothing but sabotage my work and productivity all day long: 7 AM to 7 PM... sometimes later. For instance: right after I perform my duties as the janitor, they come behind scattering bits of (used) toilet paper on the bathroom floor, sprinkling crumbs and globs of jam over and around the counter tops, and scattering various pieces of board games throughout the building - from one end to the other. When the chef (me) is finished preparing a wholesome meal, these short people belittle and deride the contents of the meal (and its maker) and leave half of it sitting there on the table while they complain they are hungry. When the chauffeur (me) won't hand them a drink of water RIGHT NOW they turn on a tirade of verbal abuse AND kick the back of the chauffeur's seat. Does anyone else have to take such abuse from their office mates? Then again, these short people give the sweetest hugs and sometimes remember to say "thanks, I love you". I guess that would be grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit in most offices, so I'll consider myself lucky.
I am blessed and lucky. But I don't like being alone. And when I say "alone", I mean kids don't count. I don't know what I would do without a few certain friends in my life. Without them I'm sure I would have packed my kids up in the minivan by now and moved in with my parents so they could take care of me and say "Bless your little heart" all day long. Thank you, m&m and nicole.
Soon Zook will be leaving for the trade show. He'll be away for 9 days. He'll be so busy he won't be able to tell the boys their bedtime story over the phone (like he does now when he works late at his office). I don't know why I'm telling you all of this. Do you want to feel sorry for me? Should I feel sorry for myself? No. This is just a rough part of the whole "life" thing - something about eating your bread by the sweat of your brow. Don't cry for me, Argentina. But, maybe you could call, or drop by to keep me company (and sane) for a while.
21 comments:
Mrs. Lab Rat,
I'm a twenty-something LDS stay-at-home runnner mom of a 3 year old and almost 1 year old that stumbled upon your "Alone" post. I want to applaud you for your courage, stamina, and perseverance during an enormously difficult period in your life. I know you've heard it a million times, but you have the most challenging yet most important career known to man. Suzie, you aren't alone...you are part of a great band of women that put their blood, sweat and tears into a thankless job: "Mom" and we support and commend you!
did you just live my life? How did you know what I secretly think and write it on your blog? (except the part about Zook, because...well, you know, he's not my husband and whatever and stuff...)
I wish that you lived down the street...or even in the same state. I would come over and keep you company. I've been there...still am, sometimes. Ironically, sometimes it's with my crazy house-full of people that I feel most alone.
Thank you for sharing this...
I know just how you feel Sarah! I think most mom's have been there. That doesn't make it any easier. I have been trying really hard to focos on "small victories" and not beat myself up over the small loses. For example, yesterday, Seth put his coat in the closet after preschool..WITHOUT being asked..small victory.
I really wish I could stop by to say hello. I would love it. I still go to pick up the phone every now and then to call my mom and tell I am having a bad day..So then I go and read my sweet family's blogs to feel okay about life. So, thanks! and hang in there!
Oh, Suz. I'm sorry things are tough right now. In my family, same story--Steve working like a madman since Christmas. We've hardly seen him. 'Cept with us, he is the one who has cracked and is hating life. Neither scenario is fun to deal with. Hang in there!
Dear Suz...
It's called "Chocolate Survival Mode"
I hate it when life plays havic with us. I am sorry that things are such a pain right now.
I hope he gets back in time for the BABY. OH my heavens.
(so this isn't helping is it)
My advice...
Dramimine for the kids or even benadryl. And chocolate, lots and lots of chocolate.
Wish I was closer, I am pretty good at sweeping in and taking over.
(even when I am not wanted)
*smirk*
I wish I could be there to give you a break. Every mother needs a break now and then. If my mom were not leaving tomorrow to go help my brother and his wife with their new baby, I would sent her your way. She doesn't live that far and I'm sure would love to chip in. If you are still feeling stressed and overwhelmed in mid April I will be able to help you since we are coming out for a visit. I know that is close to when the new one will be coming, so if you need me to take the 3 other ones out for awhile, I'm yours to use. If nothing else we at least need to get together for lunch. I always think hard times are easier to get through if you have something to look forward to, so now you know that a respite is on the way. I just hope it's soon enough. Hang in there!
Sometimes it is enough just to make it through the day. That's how I feel when hubby works late and I'm on my own with 3 ungrateful, cute little people. Pregnancy seems to compound the whole thing though, so you've got it doubly right now, I'd say.
May your house be self-cleaning and your children be kind and gentle. We can wish, can't we? :)
I'd be over in a jiffy if we lived close.
Oh I remember the days! I would have given $30,000.00 to talk with anyone over 12 years old some days! I am sad that you have to go through this also. Just know that in the end, and there will be an end, the kids will grow up and actually thank you by doing all kinds of cool things with you and for you and actually write you how much they appreciated having you sacrifice for them by being their mom and being AT HOME. No kidding, they do that!
In the mean time (aptly named) do whatever it takes to get you through; and never explain your actions. For me that was wallpapering in the middle of the night to pass time. yup it stinks.
hugs kiddo
Oh, I'm sorry things are so rough! I can definitely sympathize and hope you are holding up. Staying home with kids is so HARD, with rewards of course, but some days those rewards are few and far between. Add pregnancy and an over-worked husband into the mix and there is every reason to feel overwhelmed. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Hugs.
Yes--and I only have one office mate. But yes, oh yes...today every item was touched, every rug overturned (why does he have to do that?), and I swear I smelled Windex on his breath after finding him in the no-no cupboard with the broken childlock. The next two weeks will find me in a similar situation--late nights sans a hubby...it doesn't make your situation any more fun, but you are certainly not alone!
I am with you. The only advice I can give you is to occasionally give yourself a break! We are so hard on ourselves. I linked to a song on my blog, it is called Keeping Sheep. Go and listen to it. It is on my FEB 13 post. Or you can go to LisaBearnson.com. It touched my heart so much I had to go and buy the cd. It is written/sung by Janice Kapp Perry's daughter. It might just give you the little boost you need.
I'm sorry to read that you are having such a terrible year. Hopefully you will feel the love and support of everyone around you. You deserve it.
Repeat after me and then say to your kids over and over and over again:
"I am not a trashcan"
"I am not your maid"
"Stop kicking my seat or you'll lose your legs"...
maybe not the last one but the first two seem to be working after years of repetition.
I need to call you before your baby comes out...I don't like to be alone either, call anytime.
I wouldn't mind my office mates if they were more interesting like maybe Dwight, or Michael, or Kelly...OK not Kelly or Creed...
And...at the end of the day, when you're tucking them away neatly in their beds, they give you a squeezing hug and a kiss and tell you they love you...Then it is all worth while.
Hang in there!
Ohh, I am going to cry reading your blog-- how I can relate to those feelings, and just to know that you are so honest about them and you are going through the same things... I realize that all of us mothers do, but sometimes you just have to hear it from someone else to believe it. I read it just after I was on the phone and my girls were repeatedly tossing a red balloon in my face while I asked through clenched teeth, "please stop girls, I am on the phone..." and after my girls got in a doozy of a fight while my visiting teachers were here. I once again asked them politely to behave, and my visiting teachers must have seen the "I am going to spank the heck out of them" look in my eye and they said, "Well, we better get going..." I told the girls I was handing in my resignation-- my "I quit" and they can find a new mom, and they said, "we'll come with you then-- wherever you go!!"
Hang in there!!
Well today my office mate yelled "Potty" and I rushed him in just in time for him to poop on my foot. I was grateful I had a sock on. Then while unpacking my un-needed items from the store spent with money I don't have my little Sam decided to open the fish tank stuff and spilled it everywhere. It looked like he was bleeding but thankfully he wasn't. It just stained EVERYTHING. I am so there with you. I check the doors a million times before I go to bed when MIke is gone and then I don't go to sleep until after midnight usually.
May the force be with you. I agree that chocolate helps yummy dark chocolate. It's the best.
Your old neighbor
MH
I can so relate to all the ups and downs of this post. Just last week, we were down in the dumps after being sick for SEVEN WEEKS. Then today, the sun was shining and we finally hit the outdoors. It's amazing what a difference in perspective it makes.
Here's for hoping your hubby's trip goes QUICKLY!
I'm going to call you right now.
I can't believe the management guy actually said that to Zook! Way to demoralize a guy. It always bothers me when people give someone more work just because they know they won't complain even though they know it's not fair. Hopefully all this insanity ends after the trade show.
The thing that really gets me as well is the kids not eating the food you've made them. This is an unforgivable offense in my house.
Oh my gosh- 20 comments! You're good enough, smart enough and at least 20 people love you! I am soooooo empathizing right now. I don't understand why I never knew how hard being a stay home mom was going to be. In the last week 3 separate people (not strangers) have asked me why don't I go back to work, which was well-meant, but makes me feel even more like a failure, since they are suggesting letting someone else take over. ("get the crazy woman away from those kids.") I'm glad to have read your more recent blog about feeling better, but thanks for being so honest because it made me not feel guilty for feeling the pain I also feel sometimes.
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