On Monday afternoon Oscar was still wearing underwear. After staying dry through the night and successfully using the potty most of the day he pooped in his underwear. Something snapped inside of me and I actually followed the nursery lady's advice. Something inside of me said Oscar is too old to be doing this. I felt it was a willful action and an attempt to exercise control. I wanted to let him know that this was not acceptable. After exhausting every possible strategy in the past - bribery, sticker charts (6 of them!), "don't pee on Spiderman", peeing on cheerios, etc, etc... the only strategy I have left is sheer force. I marched him to the shower and I did what I thought was unthinkable and inhumane: I washed him off in cold water. And he hated it. He didn't have an accident the rest of the day or the next day. Coincidence?
Today he tinkled in his pants twice, and twice I took him to the cold shower. He seems to be building up a greater resistance to this method. He barely protests. Will this strategy also eventually fail? What can I possibly do if it does? But I am resolved more firmly than ever to not go back to the pull-ups (which by-the-way I don't think I'll ever use again to transition a child to big-kid undies. They are a potty-training crutch! See, there is my bit of opinionated child-rearing advice. We just can't help ourselves!) I will be strong. I will be firm. I will be unrelenting!
This has given me cause to consider the advice given by the nursery lady, and subsequently by the mysterious "sister bundy" who commented that young mothers these days don't know how to teach their kids who's in charge. Maybe they are right. Maybe I owe them a huge apology. But this leaves me in a quandary: How do you teach a stubborn, obstinate, controlling child that the parent is the boss? How far is too far? My words fail to describe the multitude of "scenes" with my children where I have gone from being a firm, consistent mom and through the course of events turned into the ugly mom you sometimes see out in public who you swear you will never become. Not that this always happens in public. But you know what I mean? You know these scenes - even in the privacy of your home - where the child pushes and pushes until nothing but raising your voice makes them listen to what you are saying? The truly sad thing is that raising my voice WORKS. Suddenly a light goes on and the child realizes who is in charge and that I'm not going to budge. I hate yelling at my kids. I feel 100% icky inside when I do. It feels wrong. I've been told all my life by people I trust that it is wrong.
So, what is the answer? How do you teach these especially stubborn children who is in charge without raising my voice and turning into the ugly mom monster? Please don't tell me the answer is "consistency". I am consistent. I could calmly and sternly correct Oscar: "We do NOT say 'I hate you! You're stupid!' and take him by the hand and lead him to time out more than 100 times in a row and he would still do it again and again. There is something strong inside of a couple of my children (I'll let you guess which ones) that is stubborn beyond comprehension. They are not "bad" always, but when they put their mind to be in control of a situation they are unrelenting. It isn't fair that most of you have not seen this side of my kids and don't know what I'm talking about exactly. I know some of you have kids exactly like mine and can relate completely.
Tonight my kids were sent to bed by the ugly monster mom. Each of them had pushed me again and again in their own, unique way. I knew that "calm, stern and consistent mom" wasn't getting any results. I yelled and they each cowered (eventually) on their beds and went to sleep. Can you believe I am admitting this so publicly?! I would have been embarrassed for anyone to have witnessed it. BUT IT WORKED. And then I felt disgustingly sick inside.
SO, this is my big question; my greatest concern; the answer I'm afraid I will discover to be true: You just can't parent effectively AND feel good about yourself at the end of an especially difficult day?
Just look at these faces. How could this face have ever given me an ounce of trouble?
And when I look at my happy, happy baby... I cannot fathom that she will ever give me a moment's worry. Surely parenthood is the greatest quandary in the universe.
16 comments:
Spoken like a true Mom. I have plenty of those moments where I realize, if someone had just heard me I would be horrified. And 10 years ago, studying parenting and relationships in college I thought I was prepared. Experience. I hope I get it all right in the end...sooner, rather than later.
Thanks sister.
I respect and appreciate your sincerity. I think that all of us mothers know what you are talking about. And as you said, there will be some who may judge you for your admittance of harshness, but to each her own.
There is this woman I know who has 4 girls. I have only seen them on occasion over the years, but I have always been so impressed by her parenting style and keep meaning to ask her her secret. From what I've observed she is a fun mom. She laughs and jokes with her kids and lets them do funny kid things, but the minute they cross the line in terms of manners or rules, her tone and demeanor change from "nice fun mom" to "incharge, take no crap from anyone mom". She does it with this look and tone that would even get me to back down. I wish I could do it myself.
I really think the key is not to sweat the small stuff and really tow the line on the important stuff. But, I have a feeling you already know that.
You need to give yourself more credit. Mothering is NOT easy and we ALL struggle with it. No one is perfect and we are learning just as our children are. I honestly think they know that and won't hold it against us later on.
Greg was telling me recently (after a very frustrating day of mothering for me) that we mothers do some of the most mundane, repetitive, exhausting work, but it is the most essential and important work that could be done.
You're doing great and your kids will thank you for it someday.
SuzieP, you are getting applause from the choir (ME!). Just two days ago, my Katherine (almost 4 yrs old) threw an absolute MONSTER fit when I picked her up from a play date. I was THAT mom (the one that I judged in the past) trying to chase her down in the backyard as she ran away from me. I was mortified. She then proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs the entire way home. I was so frustrated and at a loss because (not bragging here, just honest) I am pretty darn consistent, firm and calm in my mothering on a day to day basis.
It was time to shock her. So I started screaming, wailing really, drowning out the sound of her screaming. Um, yeah, she was shocked. As was I at how good it felt to scream. No wonder kids do that, I thought. ; ) And luckily the other kids weren't in the car so she was the only recipient of my shock therapy. It totally worked. She clammed right up and just stared at me, dumbfounded. I then calmly asked "do you like the way that sounds?" She shook her head 'No' (too stunned to speak) and I said well either do I. End of story.
I would guess that most moms know what you are a talkin' about. Bravo for the honesty.
p.s. I'm only guessing here, but I took the 'Sister bundy' comment as someone who was joking around.... saying that they were really strict with Ted Bundy (mass murderer) and they don't regret it. I took it as someone in a funny way, agreeing with you. Did I get that wrong? Sister Bundy enlighten us! : )
Hey, I clicked on that Sister Bundy to check out her website and it led me to a psychiatric website, that should tell you something about her! We have this thing in our house where we try the nice thing and I tell them just because I say please, doesn't mean I don't really mean it. When all of that doesn't work, we go to what my husband calls breaking them down. We usually have to make our youngest cry in order to really get her to focus on what she is doing. I absolutely hate it but we only bring it out a couple of times a year and it is enough to make her behave the rest of the time. We don't scream and yell at her, mostly just the guilt thing. "How would you feel if someone did that to you? Would you feel good, would you make Heavenly Father happy?" I hate making her cry, but she seems to learn and I usually let her get to a high point before I am willing to break her down again. Good luck. PS Hey, I am signing in with my website link!
We all have what I call the "bad mommy" moments when we head for the last resort. The things we swore we would not do. And we feel bad about it. But the last resort action (yelling, spanking) is a tool in our tool box and it is okay to use it occassionally when we really mean business. As long as we don't use that tool too often so that it loses its power.
I will only worry about you if you permanently become ugly monster mom, which seems highly unlikely. In the mean time keep doing your best, you are a great mom. And if anyone said that parenting is easy, they must not have ever been one.
Oh, Chelle! I feel like a complete idiot! That sister bundy comment makes a lot of sense now. It went right over my head and I immediately got defensive! Oh, I feel so very sheepish. *hanging my head*
Sister bundy, please come back so we can prove to you that humor is not completely wasted on us!
oh my goodness that was so intersting! i hate yelling too, it makes me feel very mean and unfair. but now i am better prepared for my own children! thanks:)
and your baby is ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE!!!!!
Well I call them Mommy meltdowns. I too have done the primal scream in the car before. It too has shocked me and then children but I must agree that it did feel good. It was a nice release. I kinda didn't want to stop. I did and I think my children thought I was crazy.
I too feel the extreme guilt over yelling, spanking, putting hot sauce on little tongues when they won't quit saying stupid and hate. By the way I finally figured out that if I allow him to call MOnsters stupid he no longer calls the rest of us stupid. It's funny that he just needed to say it a little and then he was okay. I was ready to pull all my hair out with the stupids and hates and the tattling of the other children.
No doubts being mom is not a piece of cake but you are so right about looking at their sweet little faces and you can't help but feel you've got the best kids in the world. I love being a mom more then anything, just don't ask me about it on my mommy meltdown days.
Mary
PS I didn't get the sister bundy at first either, funny.
I'm enjoying this fresh air.
And I'm glad to see I'm not the only one: my guilt after a bad day is gut-wrenching.
I say the fact that your yelling shocks your children, adn they listen to you is proof that you don't do if too much. I've gone into my room, locked the door, and screamed as loud and long as I could into my pillow before. It feels good, then I can go out and try to be calm. Kids are hard, but so darn cute!
I have wicked in my head now..."and just to clear the air..."
I too feel humbled, and I didn't even do anything! That's funny bc when you explained it that way, and being "too old for this" and the act of defiance, etc, it didn't seem quite as harsh as it once had. You're funny (and I think maybe oddly inspired).
Miss Petunia,
You are amazing. You must know from personal experience how much it means to hear of someone else's struggles. The unattractive parts of ourselves, when we are honest about them, usually seem to draw others to us. It makes us a safe place. Thanks for being a safe place. You are a good mom. Doing it all right is a 1950's TV mom, being concerned about your mothering is a good mom.
Any mother could tell endless stories like this one. We think we are supposed to know how to do it all "right", but how can we know how to parent such unique children until we get to know them? The quest is not to arrive on the scene as ultra-moms, but, instead, it is allowing our children to see us in our journey and imperfections that will teach them what they really need to know: It's not about getting it all right (none of us ever will in this life), it's about knowing what to do to set things right when we get it wrong. If our children learn that we as parents are always right then we will have done them a disservice. If, on the other hand, they learn from us the way to forgive, to ask forgiveness, forgive ourselves, and try again, then we were doing it "right" all along.
Much love.
PS- We are lousy potty trainers. But Grandpa Green was right, we have two kids in school and neither wear diapers. And they ain't even in college yet!
Oh boy Suzie, it would take many hands to count the number of times that I have "lost" it with my son. He is very strong willed and we often bump heads over who the boss of the house is. I always feel guilt when this happens and always pray for more patience. This mommy thing is a learning experience for sure. We're all here doing the best we can and hopefully he'll that I'm not perfect but I love him so much that my heart can hardly contain it. You're doing great! Isn't good to hear that you are not alone.
I'm back to say that the last picture of your Alice in this post is beyond adorable. She's scrumptious.
ah, sarah. sigh. I could have written this...mostly, except when you specifically mention your children and what not. i don't know the answers. I just figure there has GOT to be extra mercy given to mothers. How can we be put in this situation and expected to know how to handle it? Especially when yelling certainly WORKS. i keep telling my kids they must like it when I yell, because they wait to do anything I ask until I have to yell. I did the same thing--meaning something I thought inhumane when potty training. I rubbed my son's nose in it. I KNOW! I know. but my mom did it to me, and I turned out all right, didn't I? So I rubbed his nose in it. and it worked. pretty much. I've come to realize that being a mother includes cleaning up messes. Messes include bodily fluid. period.
anyway. I can relate. bottom line.
I hope your run went well!
I can so understand. It took my two year old 2 1/2 hours to say "thank you". I kept going in to his room very 3 to 5 min. and I would say "tell mama thank you" He would stick his lips out at me and growl "NO". I told my husband "I am more stubborn then he is". Well he did say thank you after 2 1/2 hours of this.
My kids yell, hit, bite, and refuse to share. It is driving me crazy, it can't be the age cause they are 4, 2, and 1. I must be doing it wrong.
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