Being a Mormon, or LDS, or whatever people choose to label my religion, is a strange and wonderful thing. It gave me roots in my youth. It made me sure of myself and my knowledge of who I am. For years and years my view has been relatively narrow - focused solely on a set of doctrine and moral codes. I was sure that I was right, that my family was right, that everyone I knew and associated with in the church was right, and that everyone else to a certain degree was "wrong", "misled" or just missing part of the puzzle pieces of life and eternity. The older I grow the more I see that the world is bigger than the perspective I had as a child. There are so many truths to wrap my head around, and not all of them are neatly categorized in Mormon Doctrine. There are people who know and live by truth who have never even heard of my faith. I see their example and I want to be more like them.
An example: I began taking yoga classes as a way to supplement my training to run marathons and other races a few years ago. The toning and stretching yoga practice offers is superb for your body, but I was unprepared for how it would change my spirit. I started practicing yoga when I was in the midst of some pretty serious postpartum depression. At first I just appreciated the quiet, serene time I had to myself in the yoga studio without my children. It offered a break from the stress and chaos of my life as a mother of 3 young children. I soon found that yoga was about more than just the stretching, soothing music, and dim lights. I learned to tune out the people around me. In a room where mostly women of various shapes and sizes would usually sum each other up in the mirror I found myself letting go of judgment and the fear of being judged. There were moments when the instructor encouraged us to send out from our hearts good will to the people around us and I felt it returned to me. I learned to listen to my body and my breath, to see how they were connected through movement. During the last pose - my favorite - where I lie on the floor and relax every muscle in my body, I feel like I am able to forget every worry and just be. Be me. Be calm. Be at peace. Just be in that moment as I am. I feel more like "me" at that time than any other. I am not seeing myself as I am reflected by other people, the world, or my surroundings. I am purely me and nothing else. I am content. I am confident. I am sure of who I am.
How could anyone doubt that the experience I've described is not one of a religious nature?
I meet people, I hear of places and things that I will never see for myself, and I wonder just how much more there is to learn out there. And I wonder if Heavenly Father took all of it into account when the Book of Mormon was written, when church leaders give talks, or when I am teaching my own children a Family Home Evening lesson. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with the conservative nature of the structure of the LDS religion. It is the culture built up around the doctrine, and not the doctrine itself which gives me trouble. This is one of the more obvious reasons why my family has chosen not to live in relative proximity to large masses of other LDS people. The culture of Mormonism is stifling to me.
And here in lies my quandary. As soon as I wrote that last sentence, "The culture of Mormonism is stifling to me" I felt like a heretic. Is it apostate of me to feel this way? To express that I feel this way? To admit that I don't always feel God's presence in the places and ways that I did when I was younger is startling and unsettling to me. I wish we Mormons could talk through our doubts together in an open way where there is no fear of judgment. Aren't we all just trying to do our best and strengthen our testimonies of the Savior? Should there be fear of what others might think as we work out our faith? I have so many faults and failings. I know them well and want to work through them. I know this takes time, patience and understanding on my part. But sharing my vulnerability with others of my faith is a terrifying prospect. Sometimes I let it show, and I wonder if I have changed internally as a consequence of my facade being temporarily removed. I would like to say that I don't care what others think. I wish I could live perpetually in that moment at the end of yoga practice where I know myself fully... When I am not acting or being acted upon. I just am. But no one can live a healthy life as a hermit. And so I will act.
And interact.
And try to let negative feelings and experiences bounce off of me and not change me for the worse.
And soak in the good.
And give more than I take.
And try to figure out why I believe what I do.
34 comments:
Wonderful post Suzie P. I appreciate your candor and I understand how you feel. I kind of came to terms with the culture part of the equation in this way: I know the substance and truth of the gospel, so when I encounter people who do or say things that are counter to that I sort of dismiss it as lacing integrity.
I realize people--just like me--are flawed and generally they have good intent. But when things don't add up it's easier to disconnect the cutlure from the gospel.
Does that make any sense?
I find myself in very much the same train of thought. For some of the same reasons and some other different ones too. I find myself laughing inside at ward council meetings when the missionaries can't believe someone needs another week or 2 or perhaps month before committing to baptism. As if things really are that easy and really are that simple. . . when I know that things are much more complicated than anyone wants to admit. . . or that is the problem everyone wants them to get baptized before they realize how complicated things are . . . and then that bothers me even more.
I have to admit before I met my husband I was a pretty black and white sort of gal. He is a convert and started out fairly liberal in his ideas. I have made him a bit more conservative and he has made me less judgmental. I am to the point where my first thought is, But for the grace, go I. I think it's natural to have these sort of growing pains. Kind of like when you first decide you are going to church for you and not your parents. I have to say, I loved living where we used to, but when we got here, I no longer felt like I was living in the area under false pretenses (our house being so much smaller than everyone else's, we didn't go out all of the time and get pedicures or go on fancy group dates). And I felt another facade fall off. I think there is a lot of Mormon culture that is not what God intended. Thanks for the thinking time you gave me this morning. Maybe I should've come with you to yoga, just like you came to pilates!
i think they just dusted off your chair in outer darkness.
i have always hidden this same feeling under the blanket of "weird utah mormons." but there are some really nice people in utah. like your mom, for example. :O) what i've come to discover is that i feel it all comes down to comfort and security. and we get that from what is familiar to us. if you grow up a certain way, you are likely to seek that out as an adult becuase it is familiar and comfortable to you. it's just like yoga. some people are comfortable with little stretching and movement. they enjoy the deep breathing and quiet ambiance. (and time away from kids). others want to push themselves, find out more about what their body is capable of. is one better than the other? who's to say? theoretically, the latter would prove more beneficial. i guess it depends on where you are in your journey. if you're just beginning, then congrats for even showing up at yoga. but if you've been coming all your life, then hopefully you're pushing and stretching a little more at this point.
anyway. my metaphor for the day. great post. i enjoy your perspective.
Hello,
Love your post.It really touched my heart. I hope that someday I can get to the point in my life where I feel the most comfortable in our LDS faith. I do try. But I think I need to do some changes. I'm thankfull for great ladys like you that our in our ward or anywhere. Your great example, Sarah.
See Ya Later
You are so good at expressing your thoughts and feelings. I have had a wonderful change for the better in the last 2 weeks when I read a chapter in President Hinckley's book, "Faith: The Essence of True Religion." It was the chapter called "God hath not given us the spirit of fear." That night I decided to stop being afraid. Stop being afraid of the dirty dishes I left in the sink. Stop being afraid of my friends opinions of me if I didn't get my hair washed more than twice that week. Stop being terrified my boys are going to get sick. Stop being afraid of what people think about me in general. And . . . whalla! I have never felt so relaxed and comfortable with myself.
I know what you're talking about in that last yoga pose. I've done it before and found myself sobbing in tears in some huge emotional release that I don't understand. There is power in getting in tune with our bodies.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the part of Mormon/Utah culture you don't like could be the pressure we feel that people are judging us from what they see. If we can learn to let go of that fear, we can feel the relaxing power of faith more often - and that IS doctrine! Just a thought.
I am teaching seminary 2 days a week and loved your post about that guy who drove you there careening around the new england roads. The thought that you were already awake and in seminary got me out of bed many a day during in high school.
I mean the Church teaches us to have our own "individual worth." It can be the fear of being judged that creates the complications you are expressing. Hard to explain myself well, but my intentions are good! Keep the honesty flowing! The best friends will not condemn you for your thoughts but be happy to talk about what's important to you.
Great post Susie P.
Sara - I am a rare visitor to your blog and your post caught my attention. I agree, truth is everywhere. I have nmade many friends over the years who are not of our faith and I think that some of them are more Christlike than some LDS people I have known. All truth is not contained in mormon culture and that culture can put unneeded stress on us to act or preform a certain way.
In my job I have seen drug addicts, burglars, and worse. On the flip side Abby and I have made friends with a couple in my ward who were severe drug addicts and he has been in and out of jail. They joined the church and have been through the temple and admire them so much. That is the gospel to me.
I agree with you, we can find truth everywhere and the I believe the gospel of Christ embraces all truth - whether it be in yoga, a walk in the woods, or riding a bike (which I like to do).
Anyhoot I am going on too long and hopefully not getting off mark. I enjoyed your post.
Suzie,
I'm not exactly sure how I found your blog, but I have enjoyed reading it off an on for a few weeks. This post however, compelled me to leave a comment.
My husband and I were both raised in the church. He served an honorable, successful (as defined by being able to even preach the gospel) mission. We were married in the temple and just recently baptized our first born. All this, though, has not come without our fair share of struggles. Over the course of our marriage, my husband's whole family has left the church, including my husband. When we were still living in the area we grew up in, I felt pitied, unaccepted and unwelcome because of his choices. My husband is a good man. He is one of the most compassionate, caring and accepting people I know. So seeing others we had known our whole married lives (and some even longer) damning us for his choice, hurt. We moved several times, out of state, after he graduated from college and I must say that this was the best decision for us a couple, as a family, and for me as a member of the church raising our 3 children in the gospel. I guess the point I am trying to make is, that if every one who knew about or belonged to our church believed the same way you did, and wasn't afraid to share their feelings, it would be a better world! So thanks for your post, thanks for your honesty and thanks for not being afraid to share with the world wide web!
Sometimes I feel the same way sitting in Relief Society and wanting to ask my questions and wanting to give not so run of the mill answers and wondering if my honesty would be appreciated, or if people would question my testimony. And so I say nothing. I believe the gospel is true. I just find myself wishing going to church was a little more about growing in faith, rather than showing your faith.
Hello, I just stumbled across your blog, hope you don't mind perfect strangers browsing. This post really hit home, and put into words a lot of thoughts I've been having lately about the church (I'm also a life-long member). I'm 20, and have always lived in the "mission field"... and I'm happy to see that, at least with other members my age, we're starting to embrace individuality within the gospel. I attend a university branch where most members are recent converts, and if everyone had that ultra conservative, black and white value system, it would be a disaster. I hope that my generation can help bring some change to the Mormon culture. We're of the information age, grew up embracing globalization and diversity.
It reminds me of something my branch president shared once. He thinks the gospel in its purest form is not meant to have us conform and all become essentially the same person... but it's meant to enhance each of us as individuals... takes our best unique qualities and magnifies them.
This was such a vulnerable post and I admire you for it, Sarah. I love your description of your feelings at Yoga, and I would love to feel similar emotions. I really believe that when we are in smaller group settings that is when our true emotions are able to be put forth. Relief Society with 40 other women is not the time to share our struggles, so it ends up sounding like everyone's life is "perfect." I, for one, feel closer to other women as we share our frustrations, perceived inadequacies and weaknesses. You and I have had a lot of time to see pretty much every side of each other and I am grateful more for your friendship because of the knowledge that you know me and know all of my weaknesses. But I also know you know my strengths and you genuinely want to see me succeed. Faith is a personal journey and we really are here to help each other on it, so it would be wonderful to let go of the facades.
You know I am not LDS, but I do think that what you are doing will make you stronger.
I feel it is better to questions your beliefs and spend time thinking about them and how to apply them to your life, than to just blindly believe. When you have questioned, what you ultimately end up believing will be so much stronger for it.
And any culture can be oppressive. It is important to take a step back every now and then and regain your perspective. Can't see the forest for the trees sort of thing.
SuzieP-
Wow. I can tell you this... there was a point in my life (most of my life) that I was the gal saying "I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt" And man, that was such a comfortable place to be-- such a bold statement-- no room for doubt or questions.
These days.... I doubt and I question. And yoga changed things for me, much in the same way they did for you. Profound spiritual experiences. Also while running-- moreso than in the temple (just being honest).
And I left the church for a spell (not sure if you even know that). I was working through all of that when we met last summer.
And I wonder-- why did I wait until I was 34 1/2 with 4 children to figure these things out?? Isn't that what my twenties were for? ha ha. (I was too busy having babies in my twenties!)
How about if you come to Salt Lake (say, in mid-April) and we'll take a little under four hours to discuss all of this (while running, of course!) It would be a great distraction, don't you think?
This was such a great post. I'm sporadic on the blogs these days, but I'm so glad that I chose to stop by and read this!
I adore you!
Deep....
I love your blogging...people would pay you for this stuff ya know....
I sometimes feel the same way....being a convert and having sat through many meeting over the years I have become somewhat annoyed too at the narrowness of our faith. My wife always teases me that I don’t get along very well with “normal Mormons” (she is a “lifer” member)…I think that is why she loves me so…LOL
In feeling this way we too have alienated ourselves to be just an arms length too many of the ward members and it suits us just fine. We mostly hang out with family anyways…..we disappear frequently to the family cabin where we can be by ourselves….enough rambling now…
Thanks for the great blog!…I have about five blogs I always surf and yours is one of them…you always make me think and sometimes even laugh…thanks…hang in there and you are not alone with these feelings….
I can understand where you are coming from...but if everyone was really being non-judgemental, it wouldn't matter where a mormon lived,(non-utah mormons are supposed to have stronger testimonies right??) or what the "culture" was like. We would just do what we felt was right and not worry about what other people thought, and be friends with all.
Interesting blog, cuz. I love Yoga for that reason, too. It seemed kind of weird to me at first, but there is something to be learned from being in tune with your body and learning how to really meditate. I don't think I ever really stretched myself (physically AND spiritually) to meditate until I learned some Yoga. Because of where I went on my mission, I think I was lucky to learn how people can confuse their culture with their religion. I have noticed the same things around Utah- and take it all with a grain of salt. Ironically, living in this small town (which some might associate small towns with more narrow-mindedness) I have met some of the most non-judgmental people in my life.
I think it is possible to always be in that spot where we just are..That is the spot where we truly truly don't care what those around us think, we just do what we know in our hearts to be good and right. It is when we realize we don't need to critisize others or judge, because we are confident in who we are and what we are doing. I haven't reached this yet, but I hope I can. That feeling transends any culture I think...and it brings peace.
Amen sister! I agree with Jared, not all truths are contained within the LDS religion. I've come to find many personal truths for myself within the church and also in different cultures and faiths. I don't feel this (the LDS religion) is the only way. I'm open to there being many ways. Is that wrong? I don't know, but that's how I see it.
this comment is not for Suzi, but for the last blogger....
Of course other religions/cultures have truth in them. It was all one before everyone apostatized.
I think we just find other cultures "full of truth" or more open minded because we haven't experience it yet. We like to be different, apart from the crowd.
I keep trying to say something but it's just not sounding right. This was so eloquently put and so true... I guess I'm just saying, I know what you're talking about. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one.
You are brave and so much wiser that so many of us. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and being courageous and willing to share. Hopefully it will help the rest of us to be a bit more bold, vulnerable, brave and wise. I love you!
Wow! I just read the post and all the comments. It's interesting and kinda fun. I guess my first thought after reading the post was, What is stifling? What parts of the culture? Perhaps it's so ingrained that I don't see it. Is it the jello salads (I didn't grow up with those :))? Or like someone else said feeling judged? If that's the case I think someone else said that that can apply to any religion. Am I really so enmeshed in my religion that I am not sure what is culture any more. Is it the bi-product of the doctrine? Don't most people question the way they were raised in general as well as spiritual? I too must admire you for being so open and vulnerable. People could pass judgement but I dont' think anyone will because we are all human and all of us have doubt. It is our human nature and by so doing we often gain greater knowledge and understanding. Can we do a blog with a list of "cultural" aspects. I'm just curious what people would say. I don't know what I would say besides jello salads and casseroles. :) I love you. THanks for sharing.
What a beautiful and inspiring post, Suzie P. I've been very hesitant to comment, but I just can't let this go by without saying something. I grew up EXTREMELY devoted and faithful in the church. I was as Molly Mormon as they come. I think some people look on me and my choices and say that I'm weak. And maybe I am. I guess my faith was tested in ways that led me away from the church...but not because I didn't believe in the gospel and the teachings. I wish more people had faith like yours, Suzie P...
i don't know about you, but i believe what i do because it's true. it's right. the doctrines of the church are perfect, but it is run by imperfect people trying to do their best, and so it's easy to see mistakes. you said, "It is the culture built up around the doctrine, and not the doctrine itself which gives me trouble." don't judge the culture. just believe, and do, and serve because it's right. just be, like you are in yoga, and then the rest of it won't matter.
I love all the debate. This post obviously strikes a chord with many of your readers. I'm anxiously waiting for the next post?
Great post, Suzie. I've had similar awakenings with yoga, and over the past few years my spiritual life has been evolving as well. I've found myself shedding many layers of cultural "stuff." Staying connected to that pure, simple self-ness you describe is my #1 tool to survive and thrive.
This is my first time visiting your blog, and I love it!
In regards to this post, I've had similar experiences with meditation, especially the Metta Bhavana.
And I have long wished that we could more open about our deep feelings in regards to the gospel, as well as the culture it's created.
for tifferbob: you said "I don't feel this (the LDS religion) is the only way. I'm open to there being many ways. Is that wrong?"
YES. That's wrong. We learn in the temple (if you've been) that this is the only way. Truth is contained in other religions, yes, but the LDS religion absolutely states that it is the one true religion, the only one with the fulness of the gospel (remember Joseph Smith?). Yes there are many ways to learn and there is truth in lots of places, but this is the only way to eternal life.
Long time reader, avid lurker, and rare poster.... :)
I find it interesting that many people see the Culture and the gospel as synonymous....when in fact they are totally different entities.
I have NEVER lived 'within the shadow of the temple'(which so many in my neighborhood call it) until recently. On my previous trips to visit family here, I vowed I would NEVER live here.
I found it stifling as well.
Now that I have no choice but to live here, I force myself to make the best of it.
I sit in RS and marvel at how generalizing and stereotypifying they can be, without even registering it in their minds that they sound so.
I appreciate this post and feel it would be an interesting train of thought on my own blog, if you don't mind me utilizing your topic.
Good reads, MsPetunia!
Oh, and thanks for the umph to get back into Yoga. I'd stopped doing it for a few years and I'd forgotten how relaxing it is.
Thanks. :)
Susie and Dalene! I found this blog looking up Mormons and Yoga (since I'm thinking of becoming a Yoga teacher and my first thought reading this post was "she needs Segullah!" Then the first comment is from my Segullah sister!
Love it!
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