Marathon Madness

I'm three weeks away from running the Salt Lake City Marathon, and the anxiety dreams began last night. But as the day of the marathon approaches my dreams always turn into tumultuous anxiety nightmares. Can I handle 3 whole weeks of stressful sleep? That is why it is 2:30 AM and I'm blogging about sleeping instead of actually sleeping.

This will be the fourth marathon I've run. My goal for my first marathon was "to just finish". I was pleasantly surprised to finish in under 4 hours. My goal for my second marathon was "to just finish" because it was just a month after that first marathon and Kelly and I stayed up talking the entire night before the race. (Not a recommended racing strategy!) My goal for my third marathon was "to just finish" (hopefully in under 4 hours) because I was just 6 months out from having a baby. After finishing just 4 minutes shy of qualifying for the Boston Marathon last October in St. George I have felt like qualifying was really an attainable goal. So during this training cycle I've had a more concrete goal than I've ever had before entering a race: to qualify to run the Boston Marathon in April '09. That means I need to shave 4 minutes off my best finishing time: I need to run a 3 hour and 40 minute marathon.

I started training for this marathon just before Christmas. This marathon will be different - it has already been different - in a lot of ways. For one, I have had a very specific goal in mind. I've made this worse by actually telling people I have this goal. Will you think less of me if I don't reach it? Will I think less of myself? How much will it hurt if I don't do it? Why do I really care? When I am out there on the roads at 5:30 in the morning running in the rain I ask myself that question over and over: Why am I doing this? Do I really care if I qualify? The answer is definitely "Yes". I do care. But I still don't know why I care.

Another thing that has been different this time around is the fact that I've had professional guidance in my training. Kelly and I have been exchanging emails with my husband's boss who is an avid marathoner... and more ( A tri-athlete!) He himself has qualified for and is running the Boston Marathon next month. He is a wealth of knowledge and has given us more information, advice, encouragement and direction than we ever could have found on our own. He also has a cool British accent, which you would be surprised how well it comes across through emails. :)

Third, I have added speed training to my marathon preparation. These include interval runs, tempo runs, and pace runs. Basically, it means that in addition to preparing my body to be able to run for 26.2 miles, I have been training it to do it faster. There have been some very hard workouts, and I'm praying they all pay off.

The last thing that has been different this time around is an injury. I had a hint of it while preparing for my first marathon, but it has been much more severe this time. I have been battling plantars fasciitis for a few months. (This is where the tissue connecting your heel to your toe gets inflamed and painful to walk on.) In the last few weeks it has increased in severity and sharp pains in my lower legs have accompanied it. Just over a week ago I went out for what was supposed to be an easy 5 mile run. Just 1/2 mile into it the pain was so excruciating, I had to stop, turn around, and limp home. I commenced to employ various remedies, including NOT running for a full week. In addition to gaining 5 pounds during that time (not an exaggeration!), I lost a lot of confidence in my ability to run the Salt Lake Marathon in the time I am hoping for. This last week was supposed to be my peak week. I was supposed to run a total of 56 miles, but I only managed to sqeak out 23.

Have you ever heard, "If you are prepared you shall not fear"? I know it was beyond my control, but I've really pinned my hopes on running this marathon in a certain amount of time. And now I don't know if my training (or lack of it) justifies a lack of fear. Needless to say I am not looking forward to how my fear will manifest itself in my dreams in the days and weeks to come. If I have any real doozies, I'll be sure to share them here.

The good news is that I was able to see a really good physical therapist this week. He specializes in runners and runners' injuries. He did a very thorough examination of my feet and legs by watching me walk and run both barefoot and in shoes. He was able to determine that my leg pain is not a stress fracture (very good news!). He is the first "expert" to be able to definitively tell me what type of runner I am: over-pronator, under-pronator, or neutral. This is crucial in making sure I am wearing the correct type of running shoe. He was also able to tell me that I have a "weak core" (aka not toned stomach muscles) and "stiff" arches that don't absorb shock very well. These two factors are most likely the cause of the pain I've been feeling. He gave me all the information I need as far as exercises and stretches I should be doing to correct these problems.

With the time off and the things I've been able to do to control the pain, I am starting to feel better... physically. Taking an entire week off from running was difficult emotionally because I rely on those endorphins, and because I rely on my training for racing confidence.

As I write all of this I realize that all of this running mumbo-jumbo must have very little meaning to most of you reading this (if you've made it this far!). This post is definitely a good representation of an area of my life that is very important to me, and yet baffles me. I know why I run. It brings me so much joy. And so times like these make me wonder if my efforts in running are misdirected. Am I abandoning my original intent and purpose for running? Will the end result be a reward worth all of the effort and stress? I remember feeling vaguely the same at this point in my marathon training cycles in the past, but the intensity of the training this time around, and the ensuing injuries have magnified all of these feelings of doubt. I hear myself telling people, "When this marathon is over, I'm going to focus on training just for 1/2 marathons or 10Ks." But I can never resist the challenge of the next marathon. I know myself too well. This won't be the last marathon I run. And if I qualify for Boston, that probably won't be my last either.