I keep thinking about that last post and really hating it. I keep cringing when I look at my "fresh face!" head shot which I took of myself and then cropped. Something about my narcissistic approach to the whole thing leaves me uncomfortable, but I can't take it down because it was real and true in the moment I wrote it, and if nothing else on this blog, I strive for honesty. I'd rather write an ugly truth than a beautiful lie. Oooh. Did I just make that up? I like it.
Onward and upward.
My sister Emily just posted a beautiful (and true!) entry about her daughters. I commented to her that I have been on quite a sarcastic and negative rampage when it comes to motherhood lately. Her post makes me want to be better, to see the beauty in my children - every good little detail that I have been overlooking.
I did have a "moment" last night that was a gift. After dinner we had a few minutes before bedtime, and the whole family was congregated in "Middle Earth" (That is what we call our living/family room for some reason. It is my husband's fault.) Taylor and I were sitting on the couch and watching as Baby Joe made efforts to take a step or two. Alice sat with us trying to read a book, asking for help. Waverly sat at the piano and picked out a few of her favorite primary songs. Henry and Oscar were sparring in the middle of the room - Henry graciously letting his little brother show him the moves he's been learning in Taekwondo. They kicked, punched and laughed without any tears for several minutes. It was like some kind of miracle. I commented to Taylor that it was a bizarre and wonderful moment sent straight from heaven. Our kids were giving us the gift of practicing all of their newest talents and skills in the most pleasant and joyful way. No teeth were being pulled. Everyone was a willing participant. It was fun! These moments are one-in-a-million these days, so I am grateful I recognized it for what it was.
And I pray there will be more!
I read NieNie and CJane pretty religiously. In fact, they are the only blogs I read every day aside from my own sisters'. I'm jealous that they can make a living for their families by blogging (ugly truth), but I am always uplifted by what they have to say and share. I don't agree with everything or adore their individual styles, though there IS much I love and adore. They are beautiful inside and out. They have carved out their own niche in the blogosphere. They each have a "schtick" that stems from their own personalities that has blossomed into a livelihood. NieNie is good, creative, optimistic, full of faith and inspiring. CJane is clever, funny, and not afraid to take on criticism. There is definitely something intriguing about each of them that keeps me coming back for more. I think I am fascinated by their fame because I started blogging around the same time they did - way back before everyone and their cute little dogs were blogging. Back when I felt special because I was a blogger. I guess that is why I am jealous of them. They are still special in the blogosphere, and I have melted into the scenery of endless Mormon Mommy Blogs. I must not have found my "schtick" that resonates with others. But I keep telling myself that isn't why I blog. "I don't do it to be famous or recognized." But I do. And that is an ugly truth that I am embarrassed about.
I would like to believe I keep this blog as a record for my family, and especially for my children. I imagine that some passage will be read at my own funeral (morbid, but probable). What part will be chosen? Will it be super negative and sarcastic Suzie Petunia who thinks that "Kids Ruin Everything!!" and even keeps a record of it? Or will it be a snippet that shows a side of myself that I prefer? Do I get to choose? If so, I choose not for any of my faults to be recounted at my funeral. Thank you.
I imagine my children reading parts of it in the future that correspond with the phase of life they are in, and saying to themselves, "Oh, Mom had to deal with that, too!" Or, "Wow, I had a great childhood!" Or, "If that is how Mom handled that situation, maybe it would work for me and my children, too." Will this blog be useful in the future to them or others? Maybe not. I dream it will be. I dream that maybe I will be famous one day in the eyes of my own children. "Look at what Mom did for me! She really loves me."
I hate that I crave recognition in any way - now or in the future. And a statement like that is proof that I'm glad that I am as honest as I can personally muster on this blog. That is just another ugly truth. And that, I suppose, is my schtick.
Post Edit:
How is it that there have been 86 page views of this blog today, and only 5 (wonderful and gracious) people have left a comment? Thank goodness for stat counters or else I'd be under the assumption that my mom and a few close friends were reading! :) Leave a comment, if you don't mind. I'd just like to know who is reading. A "hey!" is good enough. Thanks!
17 comments:
Why else would anyone write a blog? The point is to get a little recognition, praise, sympathy or whatever the situation may be. Keep writing sister, we're reading ya. Now and in the future!
Your ugly truths are one of the reasons I love and admire you!! But I also come to your page because I love being inspired by your creativity and wit! You know I read your blog before I knew you in person and I was so excited to meet a true blog "celebrity." I think you have a bigger following than you even realize. Hopefully this will make them all come out of the woodwork. I bet CJane herself reads your blog!! Your kids will appreciate all that you write-the good and the bad. You are able to show each of their uniqueness and beauty, along with the KRE. I am so lucky to watch her firsthand as a mom! Love ya!
There is a part of me that warns never to write anything that would hurt my children if read out of context or pain, then there is the other part of me that warns that they need to recognize not every moment in life is positive, but can be viewed that way from a distance, with time, and wisdom and heavy doses of chocolate and/or hard liquor--and I'm LDS. Now, with that in mind, let me give you some advise from the other side of the fence- that is as the mom who's children now have children of their own.
I was brutal. I was honest with my kids. I told them that I would always love them, but that no one else would automatically do that, it had to be earned somehow. I told them shots hurt, they were wrong, and that sometimes people lie to you to save from hurting you, which hurts all the more when you find out. I also had good days when everything was rock in roll and butterflies and told them that they were amazing and wonderful and the only children on earth who were as fabulous as they- and I freaking meant it all.
If you are as lucky and blessed as I have been I promise you that your kids will do as mine have. I have actual physical proof in the form of letters where each of my kids have written to tell me what a great mom I was. (who knew after a few proven moments of verbal declarations to the exact opposite in earlier years?) The thing is your relationship. It has to be real. It can be full of paper hats and angel winged chairs at Christmas too, but it has to be real in the trenches also. Your kids know your personality and if you are true to you and they trust your love, something good will be read at that final exit, and probably something that only the kids will remember as hilarious.
Hang in there mom, you're doing great.
FYI- you are famous to me. I check your blog every few days or so but I only look a nie nie every few months or so. I don't read anyone every day so you at the top of my list.
I so very much understand. I have my own "need" for recognition. I hate that I crave that from people. I don't ever see it going away, but I am trying to need/want it less.
PS, you are amazing :)
Sarah you are amazing!!! It's funny to read this here and realize you don't know the half of how much people admire and love you! Your kids want to be like you (I know, I have been around them) and everyone speaks so highly and with such admiration about you! Everyone I have met here so far knows you and loves you! You might not have a whole long list of advertisements to prove your fame, but you sure have a whole lot of fans!
I love you for sharing.
Just a "Hey" from me. :)
I love and adore you, your blog, your shtick, etc. It's the way you are honest, vulnerable-but-not-fragile. So often you say what I think a lot of us think and feel--and you say it so well!
Maybe you and Taylor should just sit in middle earth together every night. No doubt your kids would congregate and generate naural, positive ways to get your attention. Then you could call it something happier than middle earth, although that's the perfect word to describe where families gather and make messes.
You're awesome.
I love reading your blog. It's so nice to keep up with what's going on in your life. :) Thanks for keeping it real!
I love your blog! It is your voice and personality and spirit and it makes me feel like we're having a conversation. I love that people who read your blog would recognize you in an instant when they met you because it is the whole, wonderful Sarah package...and I adore you. We all have a bit of the "center stage/ham" in us...especially the Oscarson line. It is in our genetic pool. And I love my stat counter as well...who is reading my blog? Lots of anonymous peepers I suppose.
love you.
HEY! HEY HEY HEY HEY!!! Suzie, what we all should admit is that we want to be famous too. I often wonder if it irritates people that I write to them as an audience, as though I have "an audience". It's just what we do, and it makes us happy so that is a good thing.
I LOVE that you had one of those moments. It makes it all worth it, for a little longer anyway :)
I am sorry that I was uninteresting on the phone last night. My tummy hurt.
I love reading your blog. Don't ever stop writing. Don't ever stop telling us the truth and don't ever stop making up profound sayings.
Suzie once said, and I quote "Just because I'm paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT after me."
PS I will start tabbing good blogs from my sisters for which to read from at their funerals...if you will do the same for me...and while we're at it, will you also say at my funeral, things like "she never lost her temper, she was ALWAYS kind and smiling...." you know, stuff like that.
I read you. Maybe not everyday, but then again you don't post everyday. I love reading all of your families blogs. You're famous to me.
PS. I met your aunt at the St. Louis temple yesterday. I got to escort one of my good friends through and she was there giving great wisdom and instruction. It was fun to make the connection to your family.
I love reading your blog to hear about what is going on with our family. Keep up the great work!
For the record, I was going to comment before you asked, although I am fairly bummed about the lack of commenting recently. Come on people, if you have time to read, leave a comment. Maybe one comment for every five posts. I think the only person that still comments on MY blog is your sister Emily and we have never even MET IN PERSON. How is that for depressing. I still blog for myself but I really miss the comments.
And what I was going to say before that huge tangent was that I like your blog WAY more than Nienie's. I mean, there is no getting over the fact that she is faithful and brave and truly incredible to go through her trials and continue on, but I like your style much more and I laugh at your posts while I usually skim Nie's.
These are my blogger confessions.
hey-
i'm an honesty fiend and so i {heart} you
I stumbled across your blog a while ago and remember thinking, "Hey, I know those people." I was just reading the comments on CJAne and saw your blog name and thought I would drop by.
I got sucked into reading all your posts and decided to comment when I got to this one. I think your family is so fun and creative and i love reading about your adventures. My little girl and boy are about the same age as yours (3 and 1).
Jane
(Taylor's cousin Laura's daughter)
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