When I first started this blog my children were much younger. Let's see... my oldest was 6 and we had 3 kids. I was in the process of admitting that I had a major problem with depression and was finally getting real help. This blog helped keep me sane during that time. Not only was it a journal to spew all of my negative feelings, it was also a sounding board and a reality check. The comments of family and friends (and a few strangers) were so helpful. I really will be always grateful for this outlet during that time in my life.
Over the years a few things have changed. One, I realized that this blog was the only place where I was documenting the childhood of my kids and BAM it became more of a family journal and less interesting to read to those who don't know my kids and love 'em. Second, my kids got older. Waverly is on the computer almost every day and she reads this. (Hi, Waverly.) For the first time in my blogging life I am censoring myself in a very serious way. It makes blogging less fun. And not the outlet it used to be.
There is so much I want to say right now. My feelings are really hurt by my kids. This morning I was trying to help Oscar get ready for school. As he ate breakfast I made his lunch. As I asked him run-of-the-mill questions and was doing my job as his mom to help him get to school on time he was rude in every single remark he made to me. Not a single nice - or even neutral! - thing came out of his mouth. It was pouring rain and he usually rides his bike the 4 blocks to school. I begged him to let me drive him so he wouldn't get wet. He refused and even pedaled away with a rude remark.
It hurts.
If this was coming from an older person it would be verbal abuse. So what is it called when it comes from a kid?
It's called "He's grounded from his DS for the rest of the week" for one thing. I don't take this kind of crap.
But it hurts. It affects me. How can I not let it?
I tried to speak rationally to him (even though I know "rational" is not something he understands). In the middle of all of this I said to him, "You are being so rude to me when all I am doing is helping you. It hurts me when you talk to me like this." I made a special effort to say it in the most calm, quiet voice possible. And all he did was continue with his tirade about... nothing. About how mean I am to him. ?? If I didn't want to cry it would be comical.
Let's be clear, I usually laugh. It is a farce. It is hilarious.
But I've had enough. I'm lonely and homesick and I've had enough. It isn't funny anymore. I am tired of being kicked around by my kids. Their words hurt. Their lack of respect stings. Their messes make me want to hide in my bedroom. It is so hard to serve them right now.
And so this is one of those old-timey Suzie Petunia posts that is mostly pathetic and you won't know what to say. Here let me help you. Copy and paste one of these responses into the "comments".
1) Bless your heart. You've got it rough.
2) Stop whining. This is part of being a mom.
3) Don't worry. They'll grow out of it.
Or perhaps you can remind me of some technique I've forgotten from my Love & Logic courses, the dozens of parenting books on my shelves, or the lessons I've learned over the last 13 years. I'd appreciate it. Because at the moment I feel clueless... for the one millionth time.
15 comments:
I want to cry because I just came through this tunnel. I have spent the last month feeling so personal attacked and kicked around by my kids that I was ready to move away from them and never come back...but the thought of leaving was made even more depressing by the realization that I would HAVE to come back. Why are mothers, the female sex, the more sensitive and emotional of the sexes, exposed to this? I don't know, I don't know what we are supposed to learn from it or how it makes us stronger. It is hard and hurtful and I totally hear you on this. I will call you today because I love you and I will help you laugh and tell you to go eat something yummy.
while my kids are not nearly old enough to treat me in this way (although my husband does get told that he's not as loved as i), i can totally relate in another manner. one of the hardest things to me about motherhood (parenthood) is the feelings of utter cluelessness that i feel all. the. time. i used to feel like a competent adult...until i had kids. "does he want to eat? but he's only been awake for 45 minutes? if i go to him, will he go back to sleep? why is time out not working?" it's like i have no idea what i'm doing and i HATE that feeling. so how about this trite advice: you're not alone! (which isn't advice i realize; sorry.)
Emily and erinmalia... both comments much appreciated. Nice to know I'm not alone.
You are amazing!!! Your kids are so lucky to have such an awesome and patient mom! One day they will see that! :) Good luck until then!
You are most definitely not alone. Every parent has to figure this out.
I want to give a link to what worked for me. (it's free, just an idea you can change to fit your family)
http://fixingtheparenttrap.blogspot.com/
It's about 3-4 blog posts, has a FHE plan you can use, and an illustration I did (1,000) yrs ago) with my kids.
Essentially, it's parenting the way Heavenly Father does, He doesn't negotiate things that are already in place, He lets me choose and hang myself, lol! It gives your kids ALL the power and gets you off the hook of being mean, because they choose, and this includes being rude, mean, arguing, pretty much whatever rules YOU put down, because you are the God in your house here on earth. It worked.
Hang in there Momma, you KNOW they don't mean the mean things they say, they're just crazy right now.
I hope the link helps you out. HUGS!
I love you Sarah Beth. And those kids and my brother and our family are lucky to have you. That's all. I don't have any great tips as a single person. Just support and love. Hope it gets better soon. Maybe time to go out for BBQ tonight?:)
Ugh--I can totally relate.
(And also about the greater complexity of blogging with older kids.)
I know that getting our feelings hurt is part of being a mom, but I don't believe it's right to let our children treat us disrespectfully. For one thing, it teaches them a bad lesson about the value of mothers.
I agree with putting him on some little system where each incidence of rudeness yields a small removal of privilege--5 less DS minutes, 5 min earlier bedtime, little chore for mom--so you can respond each time without going overboard. Then you don't have to feel hurt or nag and he can choose his behavior and consequence.
I am guessing that Oscar is feeling lonely and homesick too and that he doesn't want to go to school in the mornings so he's taking his anxiety out on you. I have one like that. My reaction would be to yell at my kid and tell them they're acting in an unacceptable way but I know that would only be teaching them to yell. You've done so much reading and training on parenting. I know the Holy Ghost will help you know what the right thing is to do about it right now. I wish we could go out to lunch today or I could come clean your bathrooms while you get out by yourself or with your cuddly Joe. Moving can feel so isolating but you are not alone! Have your kids watch Annie or take them to drop off some toys for foster kids or at an orphanage. Something to reinforce the fact that they're lucky to have you. That being said, I think all kids are nasty to their parents sometimes and I am not looking forward to it but when it happens I will call YOU for your been there, done that advice and sympathy!!!
I have no answers but I just wanted to say, I feel you. The other day when I was having a very similar experience I actually started to cry--homesickness coming through, I think--and my son said, "Why are you crying?" And I said "Because you hurt my feelings." He had no idea what to do with that so I walked away. I mean, he's 5, but still, words hurt. Words hurt especially from people you love and serve every day of your life. And I'm sorry.
Also, one thing that it has done for me, if there can be a silver lining, is to watch how I talk to them. I would never talk to a stranger how I talk to (yell at?) them sometimes. Since there's lots of love there, there should be kindness. So I'm actually trying hard to be more kind and speak more kindly to them, even when they're in trouble.
I think Mr. Rogers once said that the people we love the most can also hurt us the most. This is certainly the case with children. I think we have sons with similar personalities, because things often go this way with my son, too. I KNOW that you are a wonderful mother. I think it's good to express your feelings to your children and show them your vulnerability. It's also good to show them who's boss. Go give Joe a big hug and sit and play with him for a bit. I'll bet he makes you feel better. And then take the night off! Good luck.
I know you've read a million books, but seriously, the book; Backtalk, how to end rude behavior in your kids - is the BEST PARENTING BOOK IN THE WORLD!! It changed my family, and continues to do so daily. Good luck.- ettie
Sarah- know you are loved and missed here in rainy ol' Oregon. Also, know you were talked about (nicely) and missed on our run this morning.
Word verification is "uskypest". The next time one of the kids hurts your feelings call them uskypest and see how that makes them feel.:)
I love an episode of "the middle"...best quote ever. "I never thought of mom as a real person before." I think that is what all kids think.
I am no help. I got to the part where you had cut and paste comments and I started laughing out loud.
(I think it helps that I already read the running post, so I knew you were feeling a tad better, but I should NOT be laughing when you have your heart on your sleeve.)
And then I scrolled down and read your conversation with Alice and started laughing all over again.
I hope things start turning around for you. Kids are the most worth it, and frustrating thing on the planet. How can they seem to have control over all our emotions. They are sweet and we coo. They are pills and we fume. I'm personally holding out for the day when they all figure it out and they get me some seriously nice Mother's Day gifts. That's not a pipe dream, right?
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
Almost every day right now is exactly what you described. Right now I am on the crusade for more manual labor in Cubby's life. I'm hoping it will help.
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