I am not sure what "normal" means anymore. Is it moving twice in two years? Is it having a power struggle with your kid's school teacher? Is "normal" hiding at your parents' house and hoping the kids and husband don't miss you until tomorrow? I don't know. I just don't know. I feel like I am half-way to crazy, and I wish my brain would either make the full leap to full-blown insanity so I no longer have to wonder, or start reacting better to the anti-depressants I am so sporadic at taking. Too much information? Sorry. Not really though. This is my space and you are welcome here, so long as you understand I am pretty up-front about things that are real and true, at least to me.
I have become too blunt and "that person who speaks her mind". I am a little too impulsive and maybe a tad bit bi-polar. (Not an official diagnosis or announcement.) I love my kids. My kids make me batty. I adore my kids. They hurt my feelings. But that is craziness! They are just kids and I should be more mature than that. I am too sensitive. I always have been. I think too much. I stay up too late and I always have. It feels like an addiction. I am addicted to quietness, alone-ness, kids in bed sleeping, eating junk food and Coke Zero in front of Netflix and/or Hulu until all hours of the morning. I am addicted to postponing starting another day of children bickering, dirty dishes and picking kids' clothes up off the floor.
Today I thought about getting a job. A job outside of the job that sprang from my loins 14 years ago. What could I do? My bachelor's degree is in Art Education. Problem is... I don't love teaching art. I love art. I love studying art, but I don't like other peoples' kids enough to want to teach them during what they consider a "blow-off" class. So teaching art is out. I was even "let go" from volunteering to teach art in my son's classroom. It is complicated, but I swear it has something to do with the afore-mentioned power struggle with that teacher. Well, she is not technically licensed as a teacher and I am, or I was, until it expired with its lack of use. I can't believe I chose a major in college that would lead to a degree that essentially "expired". So dumb. Note to self: Don't let my kids make the same mistake.
So what job? I told my husband I would like to be a producer for TV or movies. He replied with the quotable line from Seinfeld, "They usually give those jobs to people who are IN television." He has a point. I would love to work in the world of publishing... books, I think. I would make a swell editor. (I would be sure to edit any sentence where someone tried to use the word, "swell", for example.) Problem is, I have no experience or education in that field either. I am totally unemployable. I am not even sure I could get a job at Costco. They have pretty high standards and pay well, from what I understand. I can't believe I think that little of myself.
So, I guess I will stay here... Unemployed... In Greenland. I know, I know. I have a job. A very important one that involves the rearing of 5 human beings. The most important thing I could be doing with my life. The thing I promised I would come to earth to do. So why do I feel so miserable doing it so much of the time? Maybe I should start by going to bed earlier? The "rewards" are too far down the road. They are out of sight. There isn't even a guarantee that the heart-wrenching letter of gratitude from my college-aged kids will ever arrive in my mailbox. Or by Tweet? Ugh.
So is this "normal"? Can I determine to be perfectly and pleasantly happy in my life and it will magically be so? A lot of cute subway art on Pinterest guarantees it can. I don't believe everything I read with a grey and white chevron background and yellow fonts. Call me a skeptic. I want to make a New Years resolution, but I know with certainty that it will work ... for a while ... and then stop working. I will be right back here where I started: 15 pounds heavier and brainstorming yet another chart and reward system to bribe my children into not driving me crazy. And I will still be up at 2:00 AM trying to be clever on the internet and get attention. How sad to crave attention as a 36 year old mom. I mean, all I have to do is shut the door to the bathroom and I have 5 little people clamoring for it.
What do you think "normal" means? Is your life normal? Do you have a "normal" job? Does "normal-ness" leave you with a sense of accomplishment and yea, even happiness? I would really love to know. Especially if you have the same job I don't have. What does "normal" look like in 2013?
11 comments:
Oh my goodness, it's as if I had written this post myself. Except that I have a major that was never really employable to begin with. I finally decided this week that its a good thing I don't live close to my Mom and sisters because I would be "escaping" all the time.
Oh Sarah, how I miss you. I miss our morning runs where we could hash out some of these things and even if we didn't solve the world's problems I always came home feeling better and ready to take on the "messy" stuff. I have been thinking a lot about "normal" too, and who I want to be and all that. I can't really use my degree either, but I hope to do something else when I am at that point. Maybe in 10 years? I can't even think about the weight loss thing yet, but I will have to in a few months. As I think about this new child I am bringing into the world, I wonder if it will be different this time as an "older" mom. Will I relax more and not be so sensitive? Or does that just come along with our job? I tend to stay away from Pinterest and most blogs now because I am definitely not "that" mom. Anyway, just wanted you to know I love you and I am listening even far away. I am so glad I have your friendship. Thanks for being real and honest. I think we need a little more of that. I keep wondering when I am going to grow up. I still feel like a kid in so many ways.
I love the part about closing the bathroom door. Sooo true. The fact is you're not "normal". Most normal people don't have 5 kids(well outside of Utah anyways). That right there sets you apart. The good thing is you keep on trying. You keep trying another chart, or reward system or whatever it is. You "just keep swimming". That's all we can do. Hang in there( and go for a nice long run, you know that will help:)
Do we share a brain? I cannot tell you how much I get it. But I have to admit, I was just thinking about you and your family the other day, how fun it must be that so many of you live in the same place and that you all get to hang out on a regular basis. To me your life looks so fun and enjoyable. The lies of the blog world. We all put our best foot forward most of the time. I'm glad you decided to put your "real foot" forward today. I needed to know I wasn't the only one feeling this way. Hang in there. You are a great mother. You are a great person. I don't know that there is a set "normal". I think we have to make our own "normal" and that is SOOO hard because it requires us to do what we need and not what others think we should do. We need to listen to the Spirit (in the 2 nanoseconds a day we actually can) and go for it. I saw your picture on Facebook with you wearing the pants to teach your children the difference between culture and doctrine. I think we women in the church suffer from that soooo much. Not necessarily on a pant wearing scale but on doing what WE need so the WE are the best moms and wives in our individual families and homes. It's a hard thing to navigate and I have a long way to go with it. Good luck!
Sarah you are amazing!!! You are definitely far beyond "normal." You have so many talents and gifts and we all admire you! You are spoken of so highly and everyone who knows you loves you!!! There are so many jobs you could do - and Costco would definitely feel lucky to get you :) but I know your kids love you and having you there - even if they don't always show it. I think being a mother is harder than other jobs to measure accomplishments and successes. Good luck!
I love you so much and am laughing at how perfectly and clever this post was articulated. I may have to call you. I have been thinking so much the same and came to the quote by Jenkin Lloyd Jones (quoted once by President Hinckley) where he says "anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's being robbed...etc" I need a major re-adjustment to what I think my life should be like. I also think the word "normal" should be extinct. There. I'm calling you.
Hang in there Suzie Petunia.. Your a good person with lots to offer your family... this time shall pass, just not fast enough! Maybe your outlet could be blogging.. you do it so well and we all miss your posts...
As noted in the comments, I think you would be surprised how many people feel the same 'normal' that you do. Just few people are as delightfully frank.
I struggle because I know I am supposed to enjoy my kids 'now.' They are only going to get older and I will miss this right? But some days I DO NOT enjoy it. But I don't think that makes me a bad mother or unfit for this 'job.'
I wished we lived closer. I would love to listen to your musings on a long run. Well, not right now because my back is out, but you know what I mean.
Oh, and for the record, I just redid my chore charts, AGAIN, this month. Maybe the joke is that there isn't a system that works...
I love this post. All I can say is -me too
Uhh...I love reading but don't love teaching it to people who take my class as a blow off class too, and I think that I would be great at TV. Let's start something.
OK, Mike. I'll be your TV producer. What do we call your show? You got a camera or something? And do I need to book a guest? Details, details...
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