Holiday Depression

I never understood how anyone could actually feel depressed during the holidays. The lights! The music! Santa Claus! Candy! Presents! But then I turned 28 and moved 1000 miles away from my family.

I guess as a child I didn't understand that the lights, music, gifts, and yes, even the candy were special because we shared them with so many people we loved and who loved us. Not to mention I didn't have to lift a finger. (Thanks mom and dad!) Now I find myself as the sole provider of all things Christmas...the lights, the candy, blah, blah...for my husband and children, and suddenly it isn't magical. It's work!

I'm at a serious point in my life where I am supposed to be all grown up, mature and not selfish one bit and I AM NOT! I am feeling quite mad that the magic is all over! It's not fair! No one warned me! And I miss my family. Normally I miss them, but this is different.

There is no one to get all excited about the special gift I bought for my daughter (and if you know her, you know there is no guarantee she will exude the appropriate excitement Christmas morning...she's usually in a bad mood until 11 am. Hmmmm...that reminds me of someone...)

There is no one to look at the Christmas lights on my house and say, "Those are the most festive lights I've ever seen. I wish I'd thought of that!"

There is no one stopping by at random times of day to see if I want to run to Target to buy last minute stocking stuffers, like chocolate oranges and magazines. In fact no one ever stops by. Tonight our next door neighbors (who go to our church, but both work full time and have no children so there is an automatic disconnect thing going on) stopped by to give us a Christmas goodie and wish us a Merry Christmas. Two hours later I had talked their ears off and they practically ran home. If it had been my sister who had dropped by - well, if my sister could drop by there would be no need to take blatant advantage of my poor neighbor's time.

There is no one to not only watch my kids while I shop for their presents, but to actually act like the enjoy watching them. They miss that special aunt-tention. And I miss that special peace and quiet.

So, if there is such thing as holiday depression...I probably have it. Add me to the terribly sad statistics. Is there medication for this? Apparently the holiday fudge isn't doing the trick. Trust me.

So here is the dilemma. I want to be with my family at Christmas time. I want it bad. But there is one thing stopping me (besides the money it would take to travel!) It's called 3 children and all the stuff they require that I would have to personally pack and then not leave 1000 miles away at someone's house. And the mess they make, and the napping schedules, and the "not looking like the bad mom I am in front of everyone", and the croup cough one or all 3 children get every time we travel. Those are just the facts. I need to be in my own home for Christmas.

All rather contradictory, no?

I need to be with my family, but they all need to travel to my house.

I had a perfectly perfect Christmas a few years back and I didn't even know it until now. We had just purchased our first home. It was an adorable 3 bedroom with a great room that was open and big enough to fit my parents and all six of my siblings with their spouses and whatever grandchildren were born then...which was not too many. We had Christmas morning at MY house! MY HOUSE! What an amazing feat to have convinced everyone to let me have my Christmas cake and eat it, too!

I'll just have to tuck that little memory away and take it out this Christmas morning when I will be missing them more than I know how to write.