This year my New Year's Resolution is for my husband to lose twenty-five pounds.
Before you assume I am a monster, let me explain.
Before I get down to the nitty-gritty, I'll have to tell you about Christmas morning. My husband's family always had a tradition of marking the biggest, best and usually most expensive gift with the words "last gift" on the tag. This built anticipation, of course, and made Christmas morning that much more exciting. Through the years we have continued this tradition in our own family.
This last Christmas was the first time my husband and I actually stuck to our predetermined spending limit for one another's gifts. We have set the standard high in the past, so this was really a feat. I gave him the third Lord of the Rings DVD set to round out his collection (Oh, please don't let anyone discover some long-lost manuscript of Tolkien's and make it into a prequel! Oh, wait...that would be The Hobbit...) This was the extended edition, no less. I could go on about how tired I am of Peter Jackson's "masterpiece", but the 12-year-old Beehive inside of me who can't tell a lie would have to admit that I have already watched 10 of the 12 hours worth of documentaries on the DVD set. My husband hasn't even finished watching the 4 hours of the actual movie.
His "last gift" was a beautiful, new titianium wedding band to replace his original marriage keepsake. He lost that 24 karat gold "gem" some time in the last few months, but has no recollection of when, let alone where. As he unwrapped the gift, I snuggled up to him, gave him a sweet peck on the cheek that said, "I would marry you all over again" and then ruined everything by telling him I bought it for 98 cents on ebay (plus shipping and handling)! [And would you believe the jeweler who sold it to me was out of West Jordan, Utah??] So, aside from the fact that the ring was literally 4 sizes too small for him, I totally blew what was supposed to be a beautiful, memorable and sentimental "last gift" of Christmas morning 2004.
Then it was my turn to open my "last gift" from him. My curiosity was peeked because he had been very secretive about working on something late at night for several days. I thought it must be something like the "Love Note-A-Day" calendar he created for our first Christmas together. (It doesn't get more thoughtful than that!) Maybe he had made an updated version to cover all of the new reasons I had given him to love me over the last 8 years.
The gift was extremely light. "Be careful not to rip the gift!" he said, as I opened it. I soon discovered that it was a calendar, but this one was much different. On a single sheet of paper he outlined the entire coming year and marked dates of interest: vacations and such that we could look forward to together. It also included promises of monthly dates to the temple and special outings. Very sweet. I really was touched by his thoughtful creativity, again! But I quickly noticed that it also included target dates for when he would lose a certain amount of weight. The main jist of the present was that he was promising me he would lose weight in 2005.
I suddenly felt a horrible amount of shame for somehow making him think he was fat. Then I felt I'd really been ripped off in the gift-receiveing category. There's a multitude of connotations one could deduce from this gift. Go crazy.
In hindsight I know what started all of this: my unquenchable addiction to reality tv. Shallow, I know. But it is cheaper than getting drunk to drown my woes, and technically doesn't require me to visit the bishop. I bypass the skanky, gratuitous hot-tub-make-out type shows. My fixes: Amazing Race, Survivor, Wickedly Perfect and as of late... The Biggest Loser. I'm pretty sure this was the root of my "last gift" woes.
The good news is that my dear, sweet hubby has lost 3 or 4 pounds already. He's doing a fantabulous job of cutting out the bad stuff, even when I sit down next to him with a box of Christmas chocolates and a big glass of milk to watch our reality shows together. And a package of cookies.
When he has tried to lose weight in the past, I have dieted along with him, eaten the boring, bland food and saturated his conscience with words of encouragement. Not this time. Don't get me wrong...I don't want him to fail. Maybe subconciously (ok - it's not nearly a subconcious thing) I figure if he doesn't lose the weight I'll get the leather couch set I really wanted for Christmas. Now that's a "last gift".
4 comments:
I'm still laughing about this. This gift is akin to Dad's football story, where he whined and whined about getting a new football and his parents wouldn't get him one and ke kept whining and whining and so Grandma bought him one. Then one day, Grandpa came home from work early (which he NEVER did) and brought Dad a football, but it was kind of crappy because Grandma had already bought him one because he whined so much and Grandma's football was way nicer than Grandpa's, and Dad felt super guilty. I don't know why, but that's what this reminded me of...
"GUILT" is the key word, I believe.
The fact that the ring you gave him was actually TOO SMALL makes ME feel guilty, vicariously. It is essentially the opposite of the Gift of the Magi--but touching nevertheless. (Hope you don't mind me reading about the intimate and personal details of your life.)
Kacy, that's why it is here! Sometimes I just need someone else's objective view on my personal life. It is funny you mentioned The Gift of the Magi. It's an on-going joke between my husband and myself. He has a habit of saying, "Oooh, it's just like The Gift of the Magi", even when it is nothing like it. It has become our code for, "Oooh, isn't that pathetic?"
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